sooo much on my mind

I’m in a publishing contract with Austin Macaulay of New York and I was really, really excited about it. They – along with Olympia Publishers – both offered me book contracts. I thought to myself – this is it. I’m living my dream of being a writer. My words are worth something in this world. My thoughts, my feelings, my suffering – it’s been worth it for these contracts in front of me that I have to choose from.

Who would have ever thought it?

TWO publishers offered contracts on my Memoir xx

But now I’m up at night questioning it.

Am I worth it?

Am I worth anything, Father God?

When my Dad died, a part of me died with him. The hopeful part, I think because now all I’m left with is wariness at the world.

I heard a song I’d not heard before on my earphones at work today while I was typing away at invoices and I realised it was my last day at work and no one cared. No one came to say ‘goodbye’ because I hadn’t made any connections. I swallowed my pride and I went to the desks of each person on the ‘team’ I was part of and offered them a cupcake I bought from the Bakery this morning and a post-it note I’d written something nice about them on. Something genuinely nice. Writing Amanda’s and Claudia’s was easy because they’ve been such great ‘work mates’ – we’re all temps, we all started at the same time, we were all a bit overwhelmed (ok mostly me) on our first day and we’d all come so far 3 months later. It was easy writing Marissa a goodbye and good luck and she emailed me wishing me the best and including her phone number, asking me to stay in touch. I actually think I will 🙂 Writing Sherree’s was hard as I have a feeling she is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She looks sweet and friendly but she’s one of the girls that would throw me under the bus at a work meeting instead of stand up for me if I’d made a mistake – if we’d made a mistake. I sent Nick (my direct boss) an email thanking him for his patience and kindness over the last few weeks, he’s a good egg, that one. And the Director – my main boss Mitch? A salesman through and through. A snake in a tailored, expensive suit. I think salesmen are the scum of the Earth. I’m sure there are good ones out there with good hearts, but the super wealthy, highly successful salesmen? They’re honestly the most selfish, vile people I’ve ever encountered. My younger brother is one of them.

I’m not the same person I was before the 4th June 2021. Before my Dad died, I had so much hope. I was so excited about my Memoir, my ‘talents’ and so sure that I would one day change the world – one kindness at a time. Now? I just think it’s all crap. I think love is crap. I think dreams and wishes are just that – pretend and make-believe.

2 responses to “sooo much on my mind”

  1. Must be really hard to process your grief and something good that’s happening for you at the same time. It took me a really long time to get out of a state of intense grief. I couldn’t really function well and was just sleeping a lot unable to face life. But I think it’s amazing this publishing journey is happening for you. Your dad would be so excited & beyond proud.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. There’s this woman that I follow her name is Byron Katie, maybe you’ve heard of her program called “the work”. I wanted to bring this up because last week I was in one of her free therapy sessions she offers monday-wednesdays. One of the gentlemen she was helping said that he feels upset that his son didn’t ask for his help with the business and he feels not good enough and that his son isn’t as well versed in the business as he is. She made a comment that caught me off guard. She said “I am okay with my children dying. Not to disrespect anyone, but I don’t live for my children or because of them. They are their own people and no matter if they are alive or have passed, they are alive in my heart and in my mind and in my soul. They are always with me.” When you said that a piece of you died when your dad did, I felt that, but tell yourself that he isn’t gone, he is watching you, he is guiding you, he is with you all the time. Sending you prayers of love, strength, hope and courage! You are stronger than you know, and a beautiful writer! Don’t ever give up on that!

    Liked by 1 person

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