Another of the MANY horrible things about depression and anxiety are that they screw with your sleeping patterns. My depression kicks in at about 3pm making me feel so FATIGUED I have to go to bed. I have to sleep, I’m that freaking exhausted. For no reason apart from my brain won’t stop telling me I’m worthless; fighting MYSELF – literally fighting to stay alive and NOT kill myself takes up all my energy and when there’s nothing left, I have to sleep to recharge.
Then I wake again at around 6:30pm – 7ish. Great. This should be the time of day I start winding down.
But no. That’s when anxiety tag-teams depression and decides to take over, making my heart race and thoughts collide painfully. I breathe quick, shallow breaths and find myself clenching my fists and my jaw. I also find myself FULLY ENERGISED but with NOTHING TO DO I end up AWAKE ALL DAMN NIGHT just WISHING I could go to sleep.
It’s like a forced solitude I can’t seem to escape.
So I’m awake. I’ve been up all night.
With noone but myself to “talk to”, I’m of course beating myself up for everything I am not when all my friends are fabulous.
I hate this.
I hate depression.
I hate anxiety.
I hate that I can’t trust myself because the me that I am just wants to die all the time. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to know you are your own worst enemy?
Why can’t I just live like a normal person?!?