"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Another of the MANY horrible things about depression and anxiety are that they screw with your sleeping patterns. My depression kicks in at about 3pm making me feel so FATIGUED I have to go to bed. I have to sleep, I’m that freaking exhausted. For no reason apart from my brain won’t stop telling me I’m worthless; fighting MYSELF – literally fighting to stay alive and NOT kill myself takes up all my energy and when there’s nothing left, I have to sleep to recharge.

Then I wake again at around 6:30pm – 7ish. Great. This should be the time of day I start winding down.

But no. That’s when anxiety tag-teams depression and decides to take over, making my heart race and thoughts collide painfully. I breathe quick, shallow breaths and find myself clenching my fists and my jaw. I also find myself FULLY ENERGISED but with NOTHING TO DO I end up AWAKE ALL DAMN NIGHT just WISHING I could go to sleep.

It’s like a forced solitude I can’t seem to escape.

So I’m awake. I’ve been up all night.

With noone but myself to “talk to”, I’m of course beating myself up for everything I am not when all my friends are fabulous.

I hate this.

I hate depression.

I hate anxiety.

I hate that I can’t trust myself because the me that I am just wants to die all the time. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to know you are your own worst enemy?

Fuuuuuuckkkk!!!

Why???

Why can’t I just live like a normal person?!?

Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!