What keeps me up at night

Another of the MANY horrible things about depression and anxiety are that they screw with your sleeping patterns. My depression kicks in at about 3pm making me feel so FATIGUED I have to go to bed. I have to sleep, I’m that freaking exhausted. For no reason apart from my brain won’t stop telling me I’m worthless; fighting MYSELF – literally fighting to stay alive and NOT kill myself takes up all my energy and when there’s nothing left, I have to sleep to recharge.

Then I wake again at around 6:30pm – 7ish. Great. This should be the time of day I start winding down.

But no. That’s when anxiety tag-teams depression and decides to take over, making my heart race and thoughts collide painfully. I breathe quick, shallow breaths and find myself clenching my fists and my jaw. I also find myself FULLY ENERGISED but with NOTHING TO DO I end up AWAKE ALL DAMN NIGHT just WISHING I could go to sleep.

It’s like a forced solitude I can’t seem to escape.

So I’m awake. I’ve been up all night.

With noone but myself to “talk to”, I’m of course beating myself up for everything I am not when all my friends are fabulous.

I hate this.

I hate depression.

I hate anxiety.

I hate that I can’t trust myself because the me that I am just wants to die all the time. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to know you are your own worst enemy?

Fuuuuuuckkkk!!!

Why???

Why can’t I just live like a normal person?!?

Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!

5 responses to “What keeps me up at night”

  1. There is no normal person and if there is I have never met them so they must be rare.

    I nap in the afternoon but only for about a half hour. Makes it easier to sleep at night. Had a shocker last night all because I -tried to go to bed before 11.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi. I hate depression and anxiety to. There’s no easy answer to it. The meds made me feel wonky. I never could sleep. I pray things get better for you. Also, normal is overrated. I tried it once-worst ten seconds of my life.

    Liked by 1 person

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