"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

It’s been 7 months since my Dad died.

It feels like he only just passed away. I feel every day as if I’m finding out for the first time that my Dad suddenly died. Because that’s how it happened….suddenly. Dad wasn’t ill for a long time. He didn’t have cancer. He didn’t have alzeimers. Dad was found dead – sideways in his bed. He’d just had a hip replacement, so I can see Dad thinking “Ooo. I’ll just pop to the loo, I won’t ring for the Nurse, I’ll leave the poor girl alone”. He would have smiled across at Mom on the other side of the room snoring away in her visitor chair and rolled his eyes. “Lucky I’m deaf in one ear” he’d call across loudly (he was cheeky like that) to my sleeping Mom. Dad would have turned to swing his legs carefully over to the side of the bed and prepare get up. I wonder if Dad looked down at the floor, thought: “Ok…on 3 I’ll get up…1…2…”

*blink*

“Oh! Where am I?“

Jesus would have put a loving arm around Dad and said gently “C’mon Gerry, I’ll show you around”…

That’s what I think happened, anyway.

But not having my Dad here… not hearing his gruff voice and his throaty laugh…not being able to call him about things I want to have a long talk about…just not having Dad here AT ALL…is so painful. My Dad…My Dad is gone.

This grief, you guys – THIS GRIEF is the most painful thing I have EVER experienced and it is not easing. Not one bit.

Time is supposed to heal this massive freaking gash on my soul and it hasn’t done a damn thing. Not yet, anyway.

I cried at my work desk today. Nothing happened to remind me of my Dad, I just felt the loss of him like a punch in my guts.

Grief doesn’t knock. It doesn’t wait for ‘a good time’ to appear. Today, it showed up in the middle of typing a long invoice number onto a spreadsheet I still don’t fully understand. Suddenly tears fell in rivers down my face and I found myself thinking “I miss you, Daddy. So much”. Thankfully, my desk is in the hallway and faces the window so noone saw my heart ache and my sorrow. My mask soaked up a lot of my tears.

I can’t believe how freaking PAINFUL losing a parent is.

I miss my Dad.