I miss him

I was walking through the city on my way home yesterday and there it was – a worn, dusty brown baseball cap on a table in Forest Chase.

I looked around, in case someone had just gotten up and I could call out and tell them they’d left their hat behind…but noone was around.

I stared at the cap for ages and my heart ached because it reminded me of my friend “Cam”. Cam always wears a baseball cap backwards. He wears plain tshirts and shorts but I suspect they’re actually really expensive. I think when you’re wealthy, your clothes don’t have to be bright, just simple and extremely well made.

Cam has an ease about him as he walks that brings so much comfort to my heart. I miss talking with him. Cam is one of the few friends I have that doesn’t drain my energy when we’re together…instead, he adds to it. We’ll both get excited about something we share in common and the next thing you know, we’ll be shouting over each other, laughing pointing at each other (our code for “omg yes. I so relate to that” or “that was spot on!”) and smiling.

I like that Cam and I were in the same generation so we like the same songs. We both break into song a lot (I love that) and when we find that sweet spot in singing together – the perfect pitch – it feels like magic.

I miss that. I really miss my friend.

I put a huge burden on him when I was suicidal so Cam rang me, made sure Alun was made aware and asked for some space from me. I put him through a lot so I understand why the distance is needed. I get it, I do.

“We’ll still be besties, though” Cam said before we hung up.

I can still hear the echo of that promise in the air.

I wonder if I will ever actually hear from Cam again? I hope so.

I love each and every friend I have deeply 💛

I love Kristy’s wisdom, Alison’s gentleness, Denise and how she mothers me, Gary and Joey T who stubbornly defend the silver lining whenever I complain, Moiz and how determined he is to make something of his life, Bec and how thoughtful she is, Becci and Claudie (my 2 besties) for walking through valleys with me and dancing on mountain tops with me, Sophie for understanding my anxiety and for encouraging me to keep trying hard, Lynelle for telling me “The only way forward is through” – through all the hard, scary things I face daily…

…I so appreciate my friend Jazmin for reminding me not to take myself too seriously, Sammy for being so mouthy and brazen the way I hope to be one day, Laura, Sam and Vanessa for always believing the BEST in me, especially on the days when I feel worthless…I have so many incredible friends and I love them all.

But can I tell you a secret?

Cam is my favourite.

I hope one day he’ll call or text again.

I hope one day we can sit together in the sun and riff off ideas, hopes, dreams and plans for our writing and art again. I hope I can meet Cam’s wife and son and I’m so excited for them to meet Alun. They’ll love him. Everyone does. There is no antidote for Alun’s big heart and warm spirit. Everyone who meets him gets drawn in. I love my husband sooo much.

In the meantime, I’ll keep moving forward.

I’ll keep hoping. I’ll keep waiting.

I’ll do me.

I hope wherever he is, that Cam is happy, whole, well and going after those amazing dreams of his until they’re all a reality.

Almost midnight here so I’d better try to sleep.

Work tomorrow.

Ughhhhhh.

2 responses to “I miss him”

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