Hurting

Father God,

It’s almost 1am and I’m hurting. I’m in so much pain I don’t know how to go on.

These past 24 months have absolutely torn me to shreds. I’ve lost who I am and I’ve lost my Dad. I even got my identity stolen from me, can you believe that?

I feel like the whole world is sleeping and that if I was to quietly slip away from this life…no one would notice.

Alun is asleep on the sofa next to me and I want to shake him awake and ask him to please help me because the temptation to kill myself is so strong and I don’t know how to fight this on my own.

I don’t think I’m worth saving, though.

That’s my biggest struggle.

I don’t think I’m worth anything at all.

Do you know what that’s like, God?

To feel worthless?

Because it’s awful. It’s soul destroying.

8 responses to “Hurting”

  1. You are not worthless, you are a powerful human being, a mother, and a kind soul. You have encountered too much pain in a very short period of time. You need to heal. This is grief, and everyone griefs in their own way. After my dad passed away, I had a bout of depression. I felt guilty laughing at memories, I cried when I heard his music, saw his picture, etc. Once I gave myself permission to cry openly and to laugh at the memories, the sharp pain became less. Grief is never gone as we always love the ones we lost. However, in time, the memories will cushion your pain, take off the razorsharp edges, and allow you to breath without feeling guilty. Hold on to you clear conscience, your good soul, your own kindness, and be that example for your child. You are needed here on earth.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Alice, your comment touched my heart. Thank you so much for reaching out to me at my most lonely, I really appreciate it. I wasn’t expecting my Dad’s passing away to be this painful and this raw 💔 I am still in the first stages of grief where I still can’t believe he’s gone. It hurts so much. I so relate to you and what you went through when you lost your Dad 🥺 my heart goes out to you.

      I’m struggling with life in general and a lot of trauma on top of losing my Dad. It feels too heavy! I know I can give it to Jesus but for some insane reason, I feel I have to bear the weight of it myself. Arghhhh.

      I’m not a Mom though and I’m so sorry if I’ve lead you to believe that. It’s just my hubby and I…no little ones for us xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am pretty sure that God would not want you to bear all burdens by yourself. Maybe reach out to someone in church?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I love your post it is very inspirational

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *big hug 🫂* thank you so much for commenting 💖

      Like

  3. Remember the best within you, Janet.

    The feelings will pass and while it’s easy to ponder the idea of deleting oneself, remember that it never solves the problem – it removes the solver.

    You will be OK.

    http://frogmachinery.com/2021/03/08/sunrise-and-suicide/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so blessed that you commented on my blog, Mr Frog. I’m a bit star struck! It’s like having a celebrity respond to a fan’s tweet. You’ve made my day. I am doing my utmost to hang in there, I promise xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m just a stranger, but if I’m an important one that leaves a positive mark for you, then that’s a good thing.

        I’ll try to be a bit more communicative on this website from now ☕

        Frog

        Liked by 2 people

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