"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I saw those words “My Soul’s Winter” on someone else’s blog and those words rang out within me. I really resonated with them. Have you ever heard something so beautiful in your life?

This is what this depression feels like. It feels like my soul’s winter.

It’s weird to call it that because you know what? I bloody love winter. I love cold weather. I love the cold wind in my face and being able to see my breath in little clouds when I breathe or speak. I love mittens, coats, scarves, beanies…I love warm drinks, warm hugs, warm socks, warm beds. I love the crackle and lights of a fireplace and when you pair that with a good book and a hot cup of fruit tea? Oh my word – that’s my ideal right there.

So when I think of my soul in it’s winter, you would think that would be a happy picture, but this isn’t like that. It’s the downside of winter. The cold, muddy puddles people accidentally step in, the frosted windsheilds people are scraping in the mornings so they can see on their way to work, the shivers and darkness for families who can’t afford heating…that’s what winter in my soul is like. Deep, dark, unhappy and unending.

Sometimes when I wonder how long winter is going to be (not often I wonder this to be honest, I love every bloody day of it), I look for bees. They are the first sign of spring. (I learnt that from an abusive boy who used to hit me and lock me into the house for years…but we can talk about that another time).

Back to bees.

Whenever you see a bee, it means Spring is coming. It means flowers are going to open their silky petals and turn their beautiful faces to the sun. It means grass is going to grow and daffodils will line cobbled pathways through bright, beaming forests by streams of happily bubbling brooks.

Bees mean new life, flowers, vegetables, fruit…happiness. I have come to love them so much and whenever I see one, I feel so blessed. I say out loud “hello there” and smile, hoping the bee will know I’m sending a friendly greeting. Sometimes I even wave. Lol.

Anyway. That’s where I am at in life. In my soul’s winter.

Everything is dark, cold, TERRIFYING, hard, heavy and so raw. My nerves feel exposed and I feel incedibly vulnerable.

I will take the advice of my friends and the lovely lady who commented on my post before this one (thank you so much) and take my troubles to Jesus. He can see a way out of this when I can’t see anything but the snow storm around me. God can make a way where there seems to be no way.

Abba Father, I’m so very, very tired. I can’t go on. I need you. Please help me find a way out. Please help me to be a good support to Alun. Please help me to be a good friend and a helpful daughter.

Please help me to keep existing when everything in me wants to give up.

Please make this ‘winter’ end soon. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.