"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

#bloganuary #bloganuary2022 #BloganuaryChallenge #BloganuaryPrompt21

The answer for me is easy – 2009. The BEST and worst year of my entire life.

The worst – Because I decided my marriage was breaking me down so I asked for a divorce. I singlehandedly moved from the house with my then-husband in UK back to Australia and I did it all with my head held high. I am woman, hear me roar! I’ve never felt so empowered before or since.

2009 was the best year ever – because I had dropped 30 KILOS so I was as thin as a rake and OMG SO SEXY. I would turn my OWN head when I caught my BEAUTIFUL reflection in the mirror at stores or in the street…or even at home. Hahahaha! Who is that? Oh that’s me! I look AMAZING. Yass!!! Thin waist, long, thin, toned arms and legs, skulpted shoulders, long thick hair, sparking big, brown eyes…oh my. I was something to behold. I have never felt that good before. It was incredible.

I was 32, thin, filled with confidence and following my destiny.

I did everything I wanted to that year – I didn’t ask permission first, I just DID IT. I’ve never done that in my life.

I didn’t want to people please, I wanted to please MYSELF and f*ck off to anyone who had a problem with that.

It is also a year when my Dad was still alive.

To have suddenly lost him in June 2021 is still affecting me with incredibly painful emotions even as I write this blog today. I will never get over the loss of my Dad. I didn’t know grief could PHYSICALLY hurt as well as tear you down mentally and emotionally but yes, it can. It is f*cking painful and it is so hard, heavy and still raw (even 6 months later) that I wonder every day how I survive it. It can only be because of God’s great grace, truly. This is something beyond surviving on my very own.

I am only here because God is propping me up in His great hand. I’m so thankful, Abba Father.

In 2009, I was feeling myself. I was living my best life. I looked at myself from head to toe with full appreciation and feeling SO DAMN GOOD allowed me to be my genuine, authentic self. I could suddenly see the world around me with clear, open, (beautiful), curious eyes. I could try anything. I could do anything. When I moved from the UK across the whole world to Perth Australia – I didn’t hesitate for a second. In 2009, I was FEARLESS.

I was dating loads of boys. I was going on adventures. I was hanging out with my friends. I got an apartment in the city on my own and LOVED every minute of that. I was saying “YES” to EVERYTHING and laughing about it all. I was LOVING LIFE.

I would love to look like that – to feel like that again. Just once, Lord. Just once.

And to hear my Dad’s voice again?

Oh man.

I’m tearing up just thinking of it.

I would hold my Dad and NEVER let him go. He’d laugh and get uncomfortable about it “What’s going on, Chook? You ok?” and I would reluctantly let go – but I’d follow him around for years because I would want to breathe him in, listen to his voice, his laugh, his advice, his stories, his songs…I’d want to record everything and tuck it away for the day I look up and Dad is suddenly gone. I’d want to record every voicemail my Dad would leave me, record his stories, write down all his ‘words of wisdom’ and “Dad facts” (things Dad would tell me that I highly suspect were mostly made up but had grains of truth in them so they sounded quite convincing at the time). I would SPEND TIME WITH MY DAD. Quality time. I wouldn’t roll my eyes or try to rush through family dinners or pints in the sun with Dad, I’d instead drink it all in.

Every.

Single.

Second of it.

I count myself blessed to having lived 2009. It really was the best time of my life.