"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

The thing with being discharged from a PSYCHIATRIC WARD is that people without mental illness think it means you’re “all better” again when in reality, you’re FAR from it.

I feel like I’ve been yeeted back into a dark, roaring ocean and I’m back to fighting for my life. Kicking hard with my legs to keep from going under. This is so hard.

I’m still suicidal. More so, because now I’m out in the world. In the past 2 days ALONE, this is what I’ve had to cope with:

Temp agencies pushing jobs at me that are 2 hour’s train ride away, are awful and are on low pay. I mean…come ON, guys. Really?

I have noticed the grey shadows under Alun’s big brown eyes. This means my husband is stressed and unhappy. I need to fix this. STAT.

My Mom has messaged “I have no money, Janny – can you please help me?” which I know means that FROM NOW ON, I NEED TO PAY FOR MY MOM TO LIVE. No pressure, right? *anxiety through the roof* Mom – how am I going to support you when I don’t even have a job? It’s on ME to make sure YOU don’t DIE.

That’s TWO DAYS, guys.

I don’t even want to think about what else life is going to yeet at me as the days go by. I reallly don’t.

My psychologist says I’m suffering some really deeply in-grained PTSD and that for the amount a person has suffered, they have to set aside the SAME TIME PERIOD to rest and recover from it. I’ve had 12 MONTHS of pain, suffering, abuse, battles, shame, blame, guilt and grief…so “Lana” highly recommended (and I laughed when she first said it, it sounded so ridiculously unreal to me) that I therefore needed 12 MONTHS of REST to recover from it all. “Maybe even more” Lana said as she passed across the tissue box to me.

So far, I’ve had 3 weeks.

That will have to do because I have to support my Mom.

Jay had set up a “Daniels’s and Thomas’s” facebook group chat shortly after Dad died (DADDY WHERE ARE YOU??? WE COULD REALLY USE YOUR HELP NOW!!!) so that between him, Kate, Alun and I – we could all keep an eye on Mom and between us all, we could make sure Mom was going to be okay. So. I messaged the ‘team’ this morning telling them that if we all pledge $50 a week to Mom’s bank account, she can then count on $200 a week (which, when transferred to Peso’s is A LOT of money) to get her through for the next 5-6 YEARS (Calm down, JD. Deeeeeeeep breaths. Calm down) until she can claim the Australian Pension.

Surprisingly, Jay wrote back and said it was a good idea.

I was SHOOK. Agreement from Jay? With no back-handed passive-agressive put-down attached? What?!? I was so blessed, I stared at his message for such a long time. “It’s a good idea” Jay had written (Again…WHAT?!?) “we can drip-feed Mom regular payments instead of sending large amounts because she’ll just blow through them and it won’t last“.

I AM SO SHOOK AND SO PLEASED THAT JAY IS ON BOARD.

So I pray (Please, Father God) that everything is going to be okay with Mom. She and Dad blew through $200K (!!!) within a year (!!!) and even when 6 months ago we asked Mom to slow down her “living her best life” (JD…deep breaths…stop getting angry) and she ignored us…we have come up with a plan to keep Mom fed, housed, clothed and well.

It is going to be okay, JD.

God’s got this.

In Him, ALL THINGS are possible.

Stop raging. Go and do the dishes.