"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Disclaimer: I’m not a professional marriage therapist, I’m actually really stupid. I’m also on my 2nd marriage so everything I write today should probably be taken with a pinch of salt. Ultimately I just want to share what I know with you because it’s worked for me. Please don’t sue me. Lol.

For now, I have 3 main tips for wives and husbands on creating/maintaining a happy, wholesome marriage:

Wives:

1. Allow your husband time in his ‘man cave’ when he arrives home from work before you talk to him. What do I mean by this? I mean leave him alone for a bit. A ‘man cave’ isn’t really a place (unless you are both super wealthy and he actually has a ‘man cave’/’man space’ of his own in your home – then that’s awesome), it’s more a psychological space where he can just rest and recharge before talking to you/the kids and spending quality time with you.

Now. I know for me, when I’ve been home alone all day and I hear Alun’s car in the driveway…I get so excited! Yass! My man is home!!! OMG I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU!!! My guess is that it might be even more so if you’ve been alone at home with children, especially with little ones that need your undivided attention for that 8-10 hours of your very long day. So you hear your husband come home and you want to offload your ‘darlings’ (lol) as quickly as possible. You want to tell him about the lawn that needs mowing, the broken oven door, the door latch that doesn’t work, the garbage needs taking out because you’ve not had a second to breathe let alone sort the wheelie bin…so you have A LOT you want to tell him. He’s your life partner and you need his help.

But hear me on this one…just wait 30 more minutes before you talk to your husband. Just wait it out. As uncomfortable as it is for you…the pay off is well worth it.

Let your guy take his shoes off, grab a beer from the fridge (that’s what my husband does – your hubbies might do something different) and sit down. My husband likes to check on Rugby results and go through his work emails. He likes to scroll through his Facebook and respond to messages from his mates.

So…when DO you talk to your husband, then?

I promise you, he’ll give you a green light.

For Alun, it’s when HE will seek ME out. I’ll be hanging up the washing, loading the dishwasher or sometimes – just on that one special day – doing nothing at all and maybe enjoying a book or a magazine. Alun will come and find me. He’ll wrap his arms around me and kiss the top of my head. Oh man, I freaking LOVE that. He’ll ask “How was your day, Gorg?” (we call each other “Gorg” – it’s short for “Gorgeous”) and THEN I’ll unleash the beast. “OMG Gorg, this/that happened and I was SO angry/excited/annoyed…and you’ll never believe what my boss/my friend said/did…it was appalling/amazing…” and lo and behold, Alun is all ears. He’s not trying to watch the telly around my face. He’s not absentmindedly nodding while scrolling on his phone. He’s not “mmm”ing as he looks into the fridge – his attention is fully on ME and I am LOVING it.

2. Appreciate your husband.

They work hard, our hubbies. Or I hope they do. (If they don’t, maybe it’s time for a long chat and some marriage counselling). I guess in many ways we take them for granted. I automatically assume Alun will come and kill the cockroach I’ve just seen. I assume he’ll replace the broken light bulb. I assume Alun will change the car tire if it needs it and that he’ll do the ‘heavy lifting’ (literally) in our marriage. When he does, I make a big deal of thanking him. It’s important to appreciate the things our husbands do for us, I think. “Thank you for making me a coffee this morning” “Thank you for watching the kids last night” “thank you for hanging the clothes out” “Thanks for taking me to work when I was running late”

Fellow Christians are going to be appalled with what I say next (sorry!), but I think it’s important – give your husband a blowjob now and then. He’s earned it. Satisfy him sexually and you will have the most happy, helpful husband of all time. I know the saying is “happy wife, happy life” but if you give your husband some sexual reward/release, the saying becomes “happy spouse, happy house” and IT IS AMAZING what a difference it makes to the entire atmosphere of your home. Cook for your husband in your most expensive sexy underwear and heels. Greet him at the door in a French Maid outfit (make sure he hasn’t sent his DAD over to fix the fire alarm beforehand though – just saying), if your husband loves to be touched – TOUCH HIM. Run your hands over his back when you hug him. Hold his hand. Squeeze his leg. Do the physical things you know he likes and you will have such a happy, “loved up” husband.

3. Be VERY CLEAR with what you want from your husband.

We got married because at some point in our lives, we fell in love, right? So we get married, we enjoy (or I hope you do) the ‘honeymoon period’ of our relationship where things are just so damn beautiful. You’re having sex ALL THE TIME and both loving it. You laugh together, dream together, you’re best mates and you’re facing life on the same team. Everything is right with the world.

But then the years pass and we get complacent, don’t we? We stop having sex as often as we used to. We don’t dream together – we’re more of a problem solving couple now “How to pay all our bills – can we pay half of this and half of that to keep us afloat? What groceries do we need? Do we need to get our son checked out for the Autism spectrum? Why is our daughter suddenly hating school and bunking off?”…there is a lot less FUN and married life becomes a verb. A doing thing rather than a loving thing. It’s less of an adventure and more…like work.

So if you want your husband to romance you – TELL HIM. Don’t assume he will know what you need in any given moment; because as much as we think they are mind readers, they’re not. Be VERY CLEAR in what you want from your husband – but keep in mind to be fair. For instance, I love getting flowers from my husband but if he’s not worked a few shifts and is worried about money then I won’t ask him to buy me some. I know it would cause him stress. When I know Alun has a few days off coming up and I have missed time with him, I ask him to book out a specific date/time to spend with JUST ME. Eg “On Friday, Gorg, I’d really love some quality time with you. Can you take me to dinner and romance me?” and 9 out of 10 times, Alun will nod, write it in his diary and on Friday night we have a lovely dinner together. Dinner out where we’re not in front of the tv. Dinner where we are facing each other and taking each other in. Dinner where we are falling in love all over again. I can’t get over how brown and BIG my husband’s eyes are. I love how kind he is to the waitstaff/people around us. I love how gorgeous he looks in white buttoned-up shirts. If Alun has brought some flowers along to our date, then guess what? He gets a blowjob when we get home. We both go to sleep that night happy and fulfilled. Perfect.

Husbands:

1. Please talk to your wives…like, really talk to us about what’s going on with you.

I get it. Men don’t like talking as much as women do. Many blokes are raised mostly to keep things to themselves. When you’re a man who genuinely doesn’t feel comfortable sharing his feelings and have a chatty, emotional wife…then arguments and tension ensue. We wives want SO MUCH to just HELP you. We nag because we don’t think you’re listening or because what we’ve asked for isn’t getting done so we think you’re ignoring us. If your wife has asked you to fix a leaking tap and you don’t do it and the tap leaks and drips for weeks on end, it will drive her nuts. She WILL talk to you ENDLESSLY about it and you’ll feel like you’re getting unfairly harassed over “something small/stupid” but to her? It’s a big deal and it needs sorting.

BUT.

If you TALK to us, we’ll be more likely to be patient and loving with you.

If for instance I want Alun to spend time with me but he has a lot on a work and is worried about his friends (Al cares so deeply about his buddies, bless him) and also wants to apply for a promotion but has to fight against his fears and self doubt…then his plate is pretty full. He doesn’t have room for me to request that we should redecorate the living room because now I like everything in white rather than a drab brown.

So I ask. I ask and I ask and I ask. Alun will nod in the hopes that it will shut me up. But guess what? It doesn’t. A wife asking her husband and him just “mmm” ing in response and not doing anything makes her feel as if he doesn’t care so she will ask some MORE. When I do it, it p*sses Alun right off and he’ll end up saying sarcastic hurtful things to me, I retaliate, we fight…it all goes to poo.

BUT.

If Alun TALKED to me and said “Gorg…I have a lot on right now that I need to concentrate on. It’s going to be a few weeks of me being a bit of a zombie at home, I just can’t take anything else on right now”

Then I feel like I’ve been trusted by the man I love. I feel like I’ve been let in. I now UNDERSTAND my husband is under a lot of pressure so instead of nagging him, I will be helpful by being quiet. I’m careful to give him space. I will do all the housework and not expect a thing from him. I’ll make sure there are cold beers in the fridge, that there are loads of ingredients for Alun’s favourite meals to cook/create (he loves cooking to calm him down) and that the kitchen is always clean so when the mood to cook takes him, everything is ready for use.

When a husband TALKS to his wife and tells her what he’s going through and what he needs, we are SO HAPPY to provide. If you need us to just SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE, you need to tell us. Wives – we love to talk, God bless us…but we also understand there are times to just be quiet and we respect that. You just have to ask.

2. Please go easy on us, we are just worried about you

I haven’t really understood things from a husband’s point of view but group therapy with a bunch of guys for 2 weeks where I’m often the only girl in class helps me hear from MEN what they struggle with. Something I’ve heard a lot is that men find their wives are annoying when they call to ‘check up on them’, when they don’t believe what their husband says and question what he’s up to or when they dismiss/write off their husbands with statements like “You always do this” “You never change” “You pull the same sh*t all the time” and not surprisingly, husbands feel really unhappy with that.

If you’ve cheated on your wife, if you’ve gone on a drunken bender and caused havoc throughout the city, if you’ve fallen into a trap of repeated naughty/unhealthy behaviour before…then yeah, your wife is going to want to check on you when you go on a night out with the boys. “Where are you?” she’ll text and when you ignore that text, she’ll CALL you to ask. Wives will hunt their husband’s down if they go AWOL without explanation BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH. We just want to know you’re okay.

If you regularly DON’T do the housework, then yeah – you’re going to get nagged about not doing it because your wife needs your help. Especially if she works full time, too. If you OFTEN get into a sh*tty mood after work, you’ll subconsciously take it out on your wife…maybe even on your kids and we wives are not stupid. We know you’re stressed but we will ask what you need/what you want and DEMAND CHANGE because we don’t want to go through the same toxic cycles with you. We want something MORE from you BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Are you beginning to see a pattern here? Please be patient with your wife. She calls because she worries about you. She asks because she wants to know how to help you. We annoy you because we love you and we don’t know any other way unless you do Step 1 and TALK TO US. Please bear with us, we wives are doing our best. We love you. So much.

3. Please appreciate us/make a big deal of us

My friend “Aurelia” and I both have “words of affirmation” as our love language. We both work full time and we both are responsible to keep our households in ship shape condition. Aurelia has 2 little ones under 5 so she’s balancing a lot of balls at once. The thing is, she doesn’t mind doing it when her husband “Blake” tells her she’s doing a wonderful job. I’m the same. I will move heaven and earth to make every day a good day for my husband. I’ll clean the house, work hard, not complain, surprise him with thoughtful gifts, go hiking (even though I hate it), go snorkelling (again, not my favourite), spend the day outside with him kicking things and climbing things (Al loves it) because I love to please him. But when I have to go to work early and I’m TIRED, FED UP and CAN’T GO ON and Alun will wrap his arms around me tight and say “I’m so proud of how hard you work, Gorg”…then I will go and work 12 hours if I can, because I am so pleased that I’m being appreciated.

Husbands, take time to THANK your wife for what she does, it will last for weeks and you may very well get a lovely blow job out of it, just saying. Take time to appreciate your wife and what she does. If you haven’t heard of “Love languages” yet, do a Google search, it will change your life. Find out what your wife’s “love language” is and speak to her that way, it will make her so happy. The same thing works for your kids, find out what their love language is and speak to them and you’ll see your relationship with your sons/daughters dramatically improve. If your wife loves “quality time” and you spend time at the dinner table talking to her, it will make her bloody year. If she loves gifts, buy her a little gift. If she loves ‘acts of service’, wash her car for her or hang the washing out. It makes such a huge difference to wives who feel seen and appreciated. Trust me.

In summation:

Wives – shut up

Husbands – talk more

Both – blowjobs on the reg. Try it out. It’ll blow your mind.