Possibly going back to Hospital

I had a great psych appointment with “Lana” who is turning out to be a big blessing. I honestly didn’t think I’d find anyone I would get along with so well after “George” but here she is…and I can’t be more grateful. Thank you, God.

In case you’ve never seen a psychologist/counsellor before and you don’t know what to expect, here’s a quick rundown of a general psych appoinment:

Photo by cottonbro

1 You sign in at reception – all normal, just like any other appointment you’d attend

2 Your psych will come and get you. They’ll lead you to their office. I’ve been in so many different offices of different calibres (some are so dingy, dark and pitiful whereas some are downright glorious in that they’re sooo fancy) but they all seem to have the same characteristics:

  • comfy chairs
  • a quiet room
  • hardly any of them have ‘that sofa’ that you see patients laying down on in movies (if they do have a couch/sofa – you are not obliged to lay on it if you don’t want to – don’t let anyone force you!)
  • a nice bright window
  • peaceful furnishings

You’ll be directed to take a seat and the psych will sit across from you. Usually there isn’t a desk or anything between you. The psych will normally start off with something like “so what would you like to talk about?” “is there anything specific I can help you with?” and if not, they’ll know the right questions to ask you and do a little “digging” so that they can get a clear picture of who you are and where you need support and help.

A great Psych will allow you space and room to talk. They will gently encourage you to express your thoughts and feelings and they will allow you to do the talking, they’ll mostly listen and offer a wise sounding board for everything that’s going on in your head and your heart.

I spoke to “Lana” about feeling burnt out, overwhelmed and really, really suicidal. She asked me more about my feelings and we discovered together that I really just want a rest. I talked to Lana about perhaps going back into hospital and it was strange because the moment I said it out loud, I knew it was the right thing for me.

I need to go back to Hospital. I really need to REST and because I’m obsessed right now with hanging myself at a remote location – I need to be somewhere that’s going to keep me safe.

REST – to me, is a lovely room with a comfy bed in it.
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova

So I rang my psychiatrist and spoke to his assistant who was very grumpy last time as I really needed a letter for Court…but this time she was very understanding and even said she’d make my request for re-hospitalisation “urgent”. I wasn’t expecting much, but that afternoon, Hollywood Clinic rang and wanted to admit me! Can you believe that? I didn’t realise the process would be so fast!

Praise God I left last time in a good way and didn’t burn any bridges because now I need to cross that bridge again and it’s sturdy and ready.

BUT.

Here’s the thing.

I don’t want to leave Alun in the lurch. I don’t want him to be lonely and I don’t want to have him worry and stress while I’m in hospital.

So my plan is to clean the entire house top to bottom. To make it SPARKLE, seriously. That is going to take some considerable time (it’s a huge mess at the moment) so I put off my hospital stay until boxing day – 26th December. This gives me 11 days to put the house in order. It also gives me time to rally Alun’s family and his closest friends to check in with him every day that I’m away. I plan to clean the house but to also make it easy for Alun to just go to work and then REST so I plan to have loads of clean Nursing scrubs for him, lots of nice frozen meals in the freezer, beers for the nights/weekends off and to take as much responsibility as I can off his hands before I ‘go away’ for a bit.

Money is the biggest issue now. I’m supposed to start a new job on the 20th – that’s 3 days away. A 3 month contract with the Public Transport Authority as an Admin assistant. I think it’s supposed to be good money but as far as I can remember (and I think the agency guy Mark was pretty vague about it to be honest), it’s going to be a stressful job. I’m not looking forward to it but at the time, just needed to make money and was grateful it was a location I could get to without having to catch 2 trains AND bus to.

Now? Now I think it’s best NOT to work in the state I’m in. I’m not in a good way and although I’d try my very best at this job, it would inevitably make me a lot worse in only a matter of weeks.

But I need money.

So I applied for Centrelink and it was all looking very hopeful indeed. I could ‘earn’ money from the Government while I was in hospital so as far as bills were concerned, I could still help out and not have to work. Perfect, right?

Except my application got DECLINED today.

That broke my heart.

My plans were all going SO WELL but now I don’t know how to make any money!

This is a HUGE STUMBLING BLOCK on my road to wellness, guys. I don’t know how to cope with this.

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