Just. So. Uncomfortable.

I’ve seen the same phrase/saying on FaceBook a few times now, something like “if your old self could see you now – they would be so proud of you and how far you’ve come”.

ERR NO THEY WOULDN’T.

My old self would just cry, thinking “is this what I look like in the future? Fat, ugly and jobless?”

Because this is my life RIGHT NOW.

I AM SO FAT.

I AM SO FUCKING UGLY.

I feel so incredibly uncomfortable in my body.

I hate seeing my reflection in the mirror.

I hate that my favourite clothes are all too small. They feel like doll’s clothes in my hands. My own clothes!!!

I hate that I don’t have a job and that this Christmas I can’t afford gifts for the people I love. I love giving gifts!!! Not being able to do so feels like a punishment somehow. I hate this.

I hate myself. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel because if I’m not in immense pain and grief, I’m just fed up and burnt out.

I hate all of this.

I’m so thankful the past me can’t see me now.

3 responses to “Just. So. Uncomfortable.”

  1. That was me just a year back. And now its you.
    See, its just time that make us feel this way. No, I won’t say things will go better because it won’t, unless you let go off things you can’t control and stop punishing yourself in a guilt.
    The guilt that actually isn’t yours.
    I understand how uncomfortable this is but,
    It is going the way it has to, it was always going to. Its a normal part of life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Ritish, oh my gosh thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I appreciate it so much. You are right, it is what it is and I am the only one who can change it. God willing, I’ll find the strength one day xx

      Like

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