"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I’ve seen the same phrase/saying on FaceBook a few times now, something like “if your old self could see you now – they would be so proud of you and how far you’ve come”.

ERR NO THEY WOULDN’T.

My old self would just cry, thinking “is this what I look like in the future? Fat, ugly and jobless?”

Because this is my life RIGHT NOW.

I AM SO FAT.

I AM SO FUCKING UGLY.

I feel so incredibly uncomfortable in my body.

I hate seeing my reflection in the mirror.

I hate that my favourite clothes are all too small. They feel like doll’s clothes in my hands. My own clothes!!!

I hate that I don’t have a job and that this Christmas I can’t afford gifts for the people I love. I love giving gifts!!! Not being able to do so feels like a punishment somehow. I hate this.

I hate myself. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel because if I’m not in immense pain and grief, I’m just fed up and burnt out.

I hate all of this.

I’m so thankful the past me can’t see me now.