"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

My mother in law rang me just now. It was so nice to hear her voice and know she and Dad are doing well. 8 years ago we were both in tears over how much we didn’t get along and how wide the gap was between us and now we’re talking and laughing away like old friends. God is so good. I’m thankful for His hand in these circumstances.

Mam (Welsh for “Mom”) asked how I was and I said “yeah not great, this year has taken a toll on me. She sighed and said she understood and my heart wanted to cry out before the expected subject change…but I wasn’t fast enough and Mam started telling me about an awful high tea she went to with friends where a band was playing too loudly and they couldn’t hear each other.

I bit my lip and covered my heart with my hand as we spoke, switching to “default” on my personality and being upbeat, bubbly and fun.

But here’s what I REALLY wanted to say:

I’m not ok, Mam. I’m really struggling. I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t go on. I want to die because this grief is so overwhelming that it is literally KILLING ME. Day by day, a little piece of me breaks off and I know I’ll never have it back again.

I’m not fine. I’m not ok and I really need someone to save me.

Help me!!! Please help me.