"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I know, I know. As a Christian, I’m supposed to be loving. Always. It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not ok to hold onto a grudge or be unforgiving. Those are the things I struggle a lot with.

Things with my brother, for example. Jay and his wife have welcomed a perfect baby girl into the world. She’s so cute.

Do you want to know what I thought when Jay sent her pic to our “family group chat” on Facebook? I thought “Great. Another niece I won’t EVER get to meet” and it HURT ME SO FREAKING MUCH because we are all expected to be okay with that. “She’s gorgeous” I commented, biting my lip and fighting against the urge to add “Are you going to ban me from meeting her, too, Jay? Or what?” Mom “liked” my message and Jay’s wife put a heart by it.

So we’re definitely not going to pull Jay up on the FACT that I’ve never met his 4 year old son and probably won’t meet his new daughter instead.

It hurt me so deeply that THIS is OKAY with everyone.

Instead of being proud of me for taking the high road or reaching out to comfort me, Mom asked me to do MORE.

“Can you message your brother privately to offer him encouragement and tell him you’ll be there to help if he needs anything? A new baby is a lot of work, Janet” Mom private messaged me.

The grenade in my heart went off and I thought I’d die from the schrapnel.

MOM!!!

My brother has CUT ME OUT OF HIS LIFE and you want ME to reach out to HIM and offer MY services?

Like his stupid maid or butler (he probably has both) won’t be enough?

And I’m SICK at home, too.

AND YOU KNOW THAT.

But that doesn’t stop you asking more of me.

It cost me SO MUCH to be kind in my message in our stupid farce of a ‘family chat’ but you want to push it that much further. You want to make sure the blade goes THROUGH my ribs – it’s not enough to just puncture me, you want to make sure my lung won’t work.

Why does FAMILY do this?

Why?