Oh my word, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve wanted to blog and tell you something. I wanted to write about the dappled light between the leaves of the super tall Karri trees as Alun and I drove through the Forest in Pemberton, about the wildflowers that bloom everywhere throughout the Forest in gorgeous bright purples and yellows…about missing my Dad (this grief? It NEVER stops!)…and mostly about hiding my depression and anxiety for Alun, who badly needs this holiday and some FUN in his life. He works so hard, so many hours, never complains and is so giving and loving that I need to be the happy, bubbly, excited wife for these 2 weeks. It’s important for Alun.
But let me tell you, it’s exhausting. I go to bed hours before Alun does and I’m SPENT. So tired from smiling, saying “Oh wow!” “This is so cool!” and so on…and crumbling away inside, longing for home and an afternoon nap. I just want to rest. To read a book, colour in, sleep A LOT and try to RECOVER.
It wasn’t that long ago I was in HOSPITAL and now I’m sitting on a deck overlooking Mira Mar – a beautiful tree-filled “posh” suburb of Albany while Alun is asleep upstairs.
The thing is, I know I should be grateful. I’m in a beautiful holiday home, for goodness sakes. I’m on 2 weeks of holiday with the man I love. We’re going to the best Tourist spots and getting to see some really amazing things. The beaches down South are particularly breath-taking, guys. I’ll attach some pictures after for you.
But I’m drowning. I’m smiling in these sunny, amazing photos but inside I’m dying. I’m so unhappy and crumbling and in so much pain and distress that I don’t know how long I can keep this up.
There was a video on Facebook a few weeks ago of a wild bunny that got caught in a “skater bowl”. A kind young man got into the bowl and spends a lot of time patiently chasing the bunny around, telling it he’s just trying to help and letting it stop and smell his hand a few times. Bless him. In a few parts, the guy labels the video section “pat break” and it shows the bunny cowering by the guy’s skateboard, shivering and laying as still as it can while the guy pats the bunny and talks softly to it.
The bunny is beyond TERRIFIED but is laying still, hoping the ‘predator’ will go away.
There are several known fear responses – flight (running off), fight (come at me, bro), the latest one – freeze (stay still and hope the situation sorts itself out) or my newest one – FUN. Just pretend you’re having the BEST time ever until the anxiety and depression go away.
IT DOESN’T WORK, guys.
I’m so stressed, so depressed, so anxious, so wary and suffering badly on the inside…but on the outside I’m living my best life.
I wonder how many others do this?
Right now, Alun is up (bless him, he can’t sleep long once I’m awake. I think he’s 8 years old on the inside and is worried he’s missing out on some kind of fun) making breakfast and we’re discussing possibly going out to Emu Bay and pumping up our paddleboards.
I want to stay HERE and just blog, sleep and read.
Instead, I’ve smiled brightly at Alun “Sure – sounds good!”
4 days to go.
Wish me luck.
Below pictures from our holiday: (yeah yeah, why am I complaining right?)