"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I’ve been wanting to write and catch you up on what the “life of Janet” has been like lately but I haven’t had the motivation or creativity required. For that, I’m sorry.

But I’m here now 🙂

Here’s what’s been going on:

Life as I know it has been really, really hard. Depression has gotten its hands around my throat and every day, it squeezes a little tighter. Just getting up and getting dressed is hard. I sleep a lot. I worry a lot. A few nights ago, I was convinced there was a huge demon stood at the foot of the bed – breathing. My eyes were shut so I tried to calm myself “Calm down, JD – it’s nothing. You’re stressed and that’s making you vulnerable to being scared of things that don’t exist. Just open your eyes, you’ll see there’s nothing there…” I opened my eyes but in a dark room, my over-active imagination filled in the blanks and conjured up something that mad me scream and scream.

So that’s new. I have screaming dreams now. Great.

The Final Court hearing against “Natalie” finally came up this week. Alun and Samantha came with me, praise God and you know what else? I did a really brave, really GOOD thing and at the very last minute, I replaced an inaffective “Morris” with an amazing, intelligent, PASSIONATE Lawyer who actually LISTENED to me. “Sara” is incredible at what she does but what I like best is that she saw me. With only 2 days before a huge-ass FINAL HEARING, “Sara” took me on and fought tooth and nail for me. Having her help me prepare for Court made me suddenly feel like I was worthwhile. Alun has been working 12 hour shifts and Samantha started a new role with a new company so in terms of this Court case, I’ve been feeling really alone in preparing for it. “Morris” spent 4 weeks leading up to the hearing ignoring my pleas to meet up or to at least READ and ACKNOWLEDGE the URGENCY of my messages, which left me feeling unfairly abandoned. He ignored me and that left me panicked and helpless. It hurt a lot. It made me question my worth if I wasn’t worth LISTENING to.

My new friend “Bonnie” has been such a blessing. We met at the job I was doing when my Dad died. “Bonnie” and all the girls in the office surrounded me in love, patience and kindness as I grieved and felt the constant shockwaves and emotional earthquakes of having suddenly lost a parent. Bonnie has ended up being a wonderful source of kindness and support – even after I left that role. She and “Penny” are both so sweet and I’m so blessed that we’ve established an amazing friendship outside of the office walls. They both came to visit me in hospital and brought so much laughter, fun and normalcy to a really painful, awkward situation. It’s been so good to have some new friends. I actually sent “Bonnie” flowers today to thank her for always returning my panicked messages and worries leading up to the Final Hearing in Court. She’s been amazing.

When Alun, Sara, Sammy and I went into Court, we had an 80-page document prepared as trial evidence against “Natalie”. Her Lawyer looked to be about 100 years old. I wanted to punch him in the face for the HORRIFIC emails he sent to me leading up to trial – he is a shameless BULLY and his emails hurt and scared me so much, they left me in tears. When he turned up, he was so unexpectedly frail and pleasantly INCOMPETENT. In comparison to our 80 pages of tabbed, numbered, highlighted (all by me – look at me go) documents, they turned up with ONE A4 PAGE. Can you believe that? And it wasn’t even a full page – it was 5 lines of an email that “Natalie” had recieved from the only girl who knows us both – we’ll call her “Micha” – saying something like “I hacked into Natalie’s computer and did all the impersonating of Janet and all the weird, harrassing emails and messages to Janet, too – nothing to do with her, it’s all on me”.

Wow.

Convenient, no?

*hard rolling of eyes*

The email address was from Micha’s existing “mentoring” business, but the email address had a “2” in the email address – LIKE SOMEONE HAD TRIED TO CREATE THE EXACT SAME ACCOUNT but had to add a ‘2’ to the address as they couldn’t use the original one.

I think even a blind guy could see that it was ABSOLUTE RUBBISH.

If for some insane reason “Micha” really IS behind this (I highly doubt it), then Sara suggested we fill out a VRO against her, too – and bring her into Court as well.

Because Natalie’s Lawyers were GROSSLY UNPREPARED (I’d like to see you email me now, you beligerent waste of air) for the Final Hearing, it’s been put off for another 3 weeks.

Great.

I was ready to go and I had Alun and Sam with me and Sara ready to take them all down so I’m really disappointed and upset that I have to endure another 3 weeks of not knowing. Of not sleeping. Of not being able to breathe because I don’t know what to expect on the new Hearing date.

I’m loving Sara right now. YASS, WOMAN!!!

I’m not working because just existing is hard enough. I can’t imagine doing a job as well as breathing in and out.