"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

All I wanted for FIVE LONG DAYS was a letter from my psychiatrist saying I was not a nutcase and was able to make rational decisions in court. My Lawyers demand it before they will help me prepare for Trial on Wednesdsay. Given that NO ONE works on weekends, I have FOUR DAYS now to prepare for trail and with every day that the letter doesn’t get sent…I lose more and more time to get ready for the fight of my life.

I’ve asked very gently, very politely, very respectfully for that letter from my Doctor, my Psychiatrist and yesterday my new Psychologist because until they get that letter, my Lawyers are not going to help me. Not one bit. They are happy to leave me hanging – literally – if I don’t provide proof I can make decisions.

SO I NEED THAT LETTER. I NEEDED IT A WEEK AGO so we could PREPARE for COURT. It’s not a small issue, this is a HUGE FUCKING DEAL. I have asked AGAIN AND AGAIN to PLEASE PLEASE SEND THAT LETTER to my Lawyers.

Please.

I got the same answer every time from my Psychiatrist, Dr C “Yes yes, doing it right now”

He didn’t. Every few days we had the exact same conversation “Dr, it’s URGENT that you send that letter…please, I really need it” “yes yes, no worries, I’ll do it now” and every day…no letter.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???

I saw a NEW PSYCHOLOGIST yesterday and told her about my anxiety being through the damn roof because of that stupid fucking lettter.

“OH. I can write that for you!” She smiled.

My anxiety deflated like a balloon. Wow. Here is someone who will listen to me.

This is all I’ve wanted for MONTHS now. Someone to HEAR me and say “oh yes, I can help you”

“When do you need it?” Lara the psych asked.

“Oh…right now if possible? It’s um…it’s really urgent. I have Court next week so yesterday would have been ideal”

We both laughed. haha. Hilarious.

“I’ll get that to you right away” she winked.

I left her office feeling SO MUCH BETTER. So good in fact, I treated myself to a taco on the long walk home.

BUT THAT LETTER DIDN’T ARRIVE. I waited a full 24 hours. I messaged my Lawyer “Did you receive a letter from my psych?”

“NO. Nothing on our end”

FOR FUCK’S SAKES!!!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? REALLY??? REALLY???

So I had to call both my psychiatrist and psychologist and REPEAT MY DAMN SELF AGAIN.

“Oh…” they both said “We didn’t realise it was urgent“

I HAVE SAID TO BOTH OF YOU MANY TIMES “I URGENTLY NEED THAT LETTER FOR COURT IN 4 DAYS”

What didn’t you understand about that?

What else can I do but continue to repeat in an ever-rising hysterial manner “Can you PLEASE write a letter to my Lawyers so they will HELP me in my upcoming Court case? It’s literally in a few DAYS and I need to PREPARE for this as SOON AS POSSIBLE. This IS REALLY, REALLY URGENT”

“yes yes”

But then NOTHING!!!

WHY!?!? WHYYYYYYY???

I’m so angry. So hurt. LIVID about being lied to, lead on, betrayed, dismayed and fucking trod on by EVERYONE involved who was supposed to FUCKING HELP ME.

Lord Jesus – why??? Why is it so hard to get ONE damn letter?

So what did it take to FINALLY get that fucking letter?

EVERYTHING I FUCKING HAVE. I literally have NO MORE to give.

I can’t go on like this. I can’t live a life of either rage or suicidal temptation.