"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

Tomorrow is my first FIRST. My first Father’s day without my Dad.

I can’t find the words to express to you how FUCKING PAINFUL this is.

Dad…how can it be?

How do I cope tomorrow?

When you lose your Dad…breathing becomes very difficult…as if your very lungs are on fire. Your whole body aches terribly. EVERYTHING FUCKING HURTS.

When you lose the someone you love…the world becomes bigger and yet so much smaller at the same time. So much bigger because everything that scared you before they died is so much bigger. Traffic, car horns, cyclists whizzing by, lights, usual, every-day sounds are suddenly terrifying, PAIN – it all multiplies by thousands when you grieve the loss of someone you love. At the same time as being bigger, the world is so much smaller because sunsets don’t strike you as magnificent any more. The sound of waves crashing on the shore is no longer calming and wonderous. The world loses it’s golden hue and is replaced with SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN that you will never see things the same again.

Because now every day is a day without my Dad in it. I never thought I’d have to see that day.

Stupid, I know. My Dad wasn’t going to live forever. He was 73 when he died. I knew I would have to face my Dad passing away but I wasn’t ever expecting it to be so soon.

HOW CAN IT BE?!?

It’s so funny (its not) because my WHOLE LIFE I’ve always wanted to know who my Dad is. I know that Dad was of course my Dad…but I wanted to know who my BIOLOGICAL father was. My ‘real’ Dad. I have built him up in my mind to be this incredible man. Smart, funny, loyal, super successful – maybe he’s a Lawyer? Maybe he runs his own business? Maybe he’s a humanitarian? Maybe he has an Afro and that’s where I get mine from?

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Now that I’ve lost the only Dad I know I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHO MY BIOLOGICAL DAD WAS. I JUST WANT MY OWN DAD BACK!!!

Do you hear me, God? I JUST WANT MY DAD BACK!!!