"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

It’s been 5 days since my Dad died.

I miss him so much.

Yesterday I couldn’t face anything. I couldn’t do any housework or gardening.

Today I made the bed and feel like I have it in me to do the dishes and tidy the kitchen.

I honestly feel like a psychopath. I haven’t cried nearly as much as I thought. I’m still holding on for my Dad to call me, you know. I’m still waiting to hear his gravelly chuckle and his “Hi babygirl” on the other end of the phone line.

Dad…where are you?

I ask “WHERE” because as a Christian, my greatest fear is that my Dad – as a Non-Christian – has been sent to hell.

I can’t reconcile the loving, merciful God I know with one who would make my Dad – a kind, larger-than-life, funny, sweet, annoying, frustrating but ultimately – a man with a cheeky wink and a heart of gold…suffer and burn in hell for all eternity.

This brings me more grief than losing my Dad…and I didn’t think ANYTHING would be more painful than that, honestly.

Are you in hell, Dad?

If you are, it’s MY FAULT because I didn’t tell you “the good news” that God loves you so much and that you HAVE to believe in Him or else.

I can’t believe my God, my Jesus – MY HEROES – are ones who would deal in “or else”.

Father God – you haven’t sent my Dad to hell…have you?

He’s not down there burning and in inexplicable pain because he didn’t become a Christian, right?

And yet.

And

YET.

Tears blur my eyes as I type and my heart…my heart can’t go on like this, worrying for my Dad…hurting profoundly because I think he lives in eternal unrest.

I can’t cope with this worry. This guilt. This pain.

If you are in hell, Dad…I will come and get you.

Christians get sent straight to hell for taking their own lives (Again…WHAT, Father God? Really?) so if you’re down there suffering by a burning pit, Dad…I’ll kill myself and at least come and stand beside you…suffer as badly beside you so you’re not alone.

It was also such a beautiful day – the day you died. The sun was so bright and the weather was glorious. It was like the world was smiling. Surely it wouldn’t be so lovely if you had gone to depths of hell?

Where

Is

My

Dad?

I need a sign that you’re okay, Dad. Please.

I need to know that you’re okay.