Full disclosure, guys – I used to be batsh*t crazy. When my first love broke up with me (we were giving it a 2nd chance in our early 20’s), I wasn’t able to handle it. I couldn’t accept that Matt could just…leave me…
So instead of acknowledging it had ended and moving graciously on…I went mad. Crazy. Full psycho. If normal was 1 and psycho was 10, I went to 11. True story.
I told myself – and anyone who would listen – that I wanted closure. That was pure bullsh*t, I didn’t want closure, I wanted Matt to take me back. I wanted to restore our relationship and I REFUSED to let him go.
My first strategy (there was no internet back then) was to call Matt. If I could only talk to him, I could convince him to give ‘us’ one last try.
So I rang.
In my mind, I would talk to Matt and hearing my voice would remind him of all the good times. I would be charming, sweet and sexy and Matt would take me back..and everything would be okay.
In reality, I rang Matt. He answered. He got annoyed that I was ringing him when he specifically asked for space.
He hung up.
I rang back.
Matt told his Mom he didn’t want to talk to me.
They hung up.
Incensed, I rang again.
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
I called Matt (at his parent’s home) about 100 times a day. I cringe to admit that, but yes I did. That isn’t even an exagerration.
I sent hundreds of letters.
The more I chased Matt and wanted to desperately restore what had once been, the more he ran from me and wanted to just be away from me.
If we were in the same State in Australia, I would have been that psycho stalker. Legit. I would be the crazy girl driving past his house, angrily eating a bag of chips and muttering to myself. The thought of someone leaving me before I was ready literally put me into a Psych ward in hospital for months. I couldn’t get it through my head that when someone ends a relationship, you don’t get to say “no”. You can’t convince that person to ‘come back’ and you can’t force them to love you again. Once a person stops loving you – that’s it. All you can do is let go.
Here’s my advice for anyone in that situation:
You’ll feel tempted to text him. Okay. I hear you. Do it.
But don’t text him again. When you don’t hear back from him, take that as a sign that he has definitely lost interest in you and texting you back is not important to him.
But what if?
What if he’s hurt?
What if his car won’t start and he’s stuck in the middle of a desert somewhere?
What if he’s laying in a ditch somewhere?
Hear me on this one – Let it go.
If – for some insane reason – he is hurt/in danger/stranded – he will NOT NEED YOUR HELP. It’s the YOUR that’s important here. He has a phone full of contacts and trust me, he will use them and will probably prefer someone else to come along and help. HE DOES NOT NEED YOU ANYMORE.
Sending 30 more texts – each message getting longer, each text you send more hysterical than the next – IS NOT GOING TO HELP.
You’ll want to explain yourself and you’ll want him to believe you. You’re reaching out and you want him to reach back, so the long texts are you trying your best to win him back. In reality, it makes you look crazy. It does you no good, I promise you.
You’ll get desperate so you’ll want to ‘trick’ him or ‘trap’ him (or her) into texting you back so you’ll text “I’m pregnant” “I’m dying” “I got diagnosed with a life threatening illness” “I got attacked in the park” “I’m in hospital” “I’m going to kill myself” to get him to text you – or better still, to ring you.
You just want to hear his voice that one last time.
But your texts (if he is still opening/reading them – which he probably won’t be doing at this stage) will make him roll his eyes or groan in frustration. Because he knows you’re not dying. He knows what you’re doing and if he hasn’t already blocked you, now he will.
So don’t do it.
I’ve been there, so I know that all you want is him back. All you want is to have everything as it was – him beside you and you both happily ensconced in your romantic relationship. I get it, I do.
But he doesn’t want that anymore.
As much as it will break your heart into a million peices, you need to remind yourself that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You need to find a way to be okay with that.
Because nothing you can do will change the fact that he broke up with you.
But here’s what you can do:
Get out of bed every day.
If you’re in a job, go to work. If you’re studying – get your studying done; go to your Uni lectures, put some time in at the Library. If you’re at home with severe depression, try to book in frequent counselling sessions and try your best to keep hydrated. Eat good foods and try your best to get through the day. If you need to break the day up into 1-hour-slots, then do that.
Surround yourself with people who love you. It doesn’t have to be a lot of people. If you only have 2 friends in the whole world, you are still winning because that’s 2 more than none at all. Be with the people who care about you, people who’ll lift you up, distract you, care for you, make you laugh or if you can’t laugh, they’ll cry with you and just be around so you’re not all alone.
Do the things that make you happy. If you love gaming, play for hours. If you love fishing – take yourself out to your favourite spots with your favourite poles. Do you like massages? Treat yourself to one at your favourite salon. If you’re like me and you love gardening – get yourself to the nearest gardening warehouse and look at everything on offer. Force yourself to be mindful in the moment, taking deep breaths, smelling flowers, touching leaves, seeing things grow…If you love shopping, do some shopping. Whatever it is you love, focus your mind on doing that and force yourself to do it slowly and mindfully.
Make your bedroom your Oasis. Change the sheets to ones you really love. For me, anything floral, crisp with mostly white does the trick. Put out all your favourite cushions, pillows and soft toys. Make your bedroom all about you. This is your zone, so make it as you-friendly as you can. I love flowers so I’ll buy a bunch of roses and put them in a vase by the bed. I love books so I put my favourite ones on the bedside tables. I love scents so I plug in my diffuser and put my favourite essential oils in. I spray myself and the pillows with a scent I love.
If you think some extra support would help you (and I highly recommend this), then book in some counselling sessions. It really helped me to talk to someone trained to listen. Someone filled with knowledge about relationships and someone who knew where I was at and how to help me practically and emotionally get past it. It also lessened the burden on my friends for me to speak to a professional. A broken heart is a very heavy weight indeed. Get as many people as you can to help you carry it.
Do your best every day to move forward without him.
At first, it will hurt terribly. It will honestly feel like you’re dying.
But every day, keep moving forward. Even if it’s in baby steps, keep doing it.
Time will heal your wounds, things will get better and the heartache that you think you’ll honestly die from will start to ease. It will get better and everything will be okay, you just have to get through this heart break for now.
Take things day by day. Hour by hour if you need.
You are wonderful, capable, strong and amazing. I believe in you.
You CAN do this xx