Shaking

I’m sitting here shaking because I’m under SO MUCH PRESSURE.

I’m scared, you guys. I’m freaked out because I want to die. I want to kill myself ALL THE TIME and the reason why just boggles my mind – it’s because I want to rest. I want to NOT do housework or chores or work in a job. I don’t want to be a good friend or a good wife. I don’t want to be anything.

I want the world to stop so I can get off.

But I have to keep fighting because you all love me so much. WHY is beyond me. But you do.

So because of that, I have to keep trying to live.

Today is the 16th of February. I have until the 24th to make myself better.

To fix myself. To fix myself enough that I am strong enough to go back to a full time, demanding job AND to take on all the burdens of my friends, family and especially my husband.

Actually, I don’t want that to come out wrong, my friends are not burdens. You guys are actually my heart. One of my best friends reached out to me yesterday and told me she was struggling too and that didn’t burden me, I felt privileged that she trusted me enough to talk to me and just wanted to drop everything to run to her and cuddle her. Unfortunately Becci lives in the UK so I can’t be there but oh how I wish I could.

It’s more my family (I’ll catch you up on that complete and total sh*t show another time) and Alun. He’s hurting. He’s suffering. He’s burnt out and tired and angry and upset and he’s taking it ALL out on me.

I can’t bear the weight of the pressure he’s putting me under and what hurts most is that I’m not doing enough to help him. I’m not fixing him or making him better and OMG I’m trying, guys. I’m trying so hard. I’m not good enough or strong enough and it’s so hard on us both.

Alun is the love of my life. In HIS life, I’m a dickhead and I don’t deserve any kindness right now.

This is all so much.

How am I supposed to completely heal myself in what? Just 8 days?

That’s going to be enough time to completely heal my MILLIONS of broken parts??? Is it???

I spoke to my friend Aurelie about this and she said what I’ve wanted the people I love most to say.

In her gorgeous French accent, Aurelie said “You’ve been through so much, Janet – 2 weeks is not nearly enough time of rest for you”

I could have cried, it was just what I needed. Just what I wanted. For someone to acknowledge that I’ve been through hell and that 2 weeks – which is now suddenly JUST EIGHT DAYS is not NEARLY enough for the rest I need.

“You can get another job, Janet”

And she’s right, I can go back to DoH and go back to one of the happiest job placements I’ve had in years. That’s a job I can do with my eyes closed because all I have to do is answer the occasional phone call and for most of the 8 hours I’m at work, I just eat cakes and read books. It’s been wonderful and I’d gladly go back there.

But Alun really wants me to keep this permanent job. He’s paid for so much of our mortgage and bills on his own so having a permanent job would take a lot of weight off his shoulders so he’s really gunning for me to go for this job.

He’s willing to pay the cost of me falling completely apart and going backwards in my healing when the job does me in because he wants me to help more with bills. I understand that. I should help more. I shouldn’t take Alun for granted, he really does a lot.

But I’m really, really struggling here, guys.

I am honestly not ready for a new job with all its demands. I just can’t right now. In a month from now, I could STUN and AMAZE my new bosses. But they’ve set the deadline at 25th and have asked me to please let them know ASAP if I can’t make that deadline as they have to start interviewing for someone new. They’ve been SUPER KIND already and so patient with me. I don’t want to throw that back in their faces.

But oh how I wish this job offer came along in a month from now 😦

I can’t do this. I’m too broken and too fragile for this new job and all it requires. That’s the honest truth.

Tomorrow I have a GP appointment with a really nice GP. He’s Scottish and gay and really, really sweet. He actually looks at me and listens to me. I’m so blessed of God to have found him. I’m going to ask him to refer me and hopefully admit me (fingers crossed) to Hollywood Clinic RIGHT AWAY. If I could go away from Alun, home, house chores, stress and pressure for even a few days (Ideally, I’d  like 5 days), then that would help SO MUCH.

Originally I made a GP appointment with a not-so-great Doctor because he was FREE to see and I was hoping that seeing him on Saturday would hopefully mean I could be admitted to hospital TODAY or Monday (tomorrow) at the latest. I cancelled that appointment because I put Alun first and he doesn’t like to be home alone. He hates it.

But he’s not putting ME first of late so we’re both just snapping at each other and we are both miserable. Staying home with him is not going to help either of us.

Especially with Alun’s parents arrival in 9 days.

FUCKING GREAT.

I’m so stressed, scared, nervous and pressured. The house needs to be “show home” ready. How am I supposed to pull this off AND GO BACK TO STARTING WORK at the same time as piecing myself together??? HOW???

I’m hoping the Doctor tomorrow can help me.

I’ve decided right now – as I’m blogging – that if Dr Clark isn’t able to admit me to a fancy Private Hospital (something I’d really, really like right now), then I’ll use my credit card and book myself into a cheap motel and create my own little Oasis for 5 days. I’d rather not because a crappy motel isn’t appealing. You know how much I love my glamping, guys.

But it would mean a place to go with no laundry, no dishes, no floors to sweep and mop, nothing to tidy and most importantly, TIME ON MY VERY OWN.

I could really rest, then.

I could read books, watch Netflix, go on walks, go to the gym…and come back to a nicely cleaned room and just REST.

I really need this. This is my LAST CHANCE to get some rest before it all kicks off.

WORK AND ALUN’S PARENTS.

I need to be healthy and fit to deal with ALL OF THAT AT THE SAME TIME.

I have to.

I’ll update you tomorrow. My best friend Christabel recommended a nice AirBnB which might be a great alternative to a crappy motel room. I’ll do a search tomorrow and let you know how I go. Something close to the city or close to the beach would be amazing.

I’m really hoping for a hospital stay though because it’s ALREADY PAID FOR under our super expensive medical insurance. All meals, my fancy ‘hotel room’ in the hospital, all psych appointments and therapy, all medications – ALL READY TO GO AND IT WONT COST ME A PENNY. Hospitalisation also comes with daily psych appointments, blood tests, medication that’s monitored by really great Doctors…and is something I really, really need right now.

I hope I get into Hollywood Clinic tomorrow. Please pray for me because I don’t think I can hold on much longer.

I know I “talk the big talk” about “looking after myself” and booking into a motel if I have to, but the reality of it is, I’m crawling through life on my hands and knees, and I’m ONE SECOND away from my next AND LAST attempt at suicide because next time, I won’t be taking any chances. I will kill myself.

I really will.

I even want to attempt it now, I’m so distressed worrying about what tomorrow holds.

I hope I can be here to write to you tomorrow.

I love you all so much.

If you don’t hear from me again…please look after Alun.

Maybe it’s just as well his parents will be here. Then he doesn’t have to bury me on his own.

Published by janetdthomas77

I'm the person who will go into a burning building to save everyone. I'm also the person likely to have started the fire by leaving a stupid scented candle unattended or something, so...you know.

2 thoughts on “Shaking

  1. Hello – thanks for dropping by my blog. I see the date on these posts is over a year ago so I really hope and pray you are in a better place and getting the help you need to get better. I will be thinking of you and hope you can hang in there and find little bits of rest and good things in life. I didn’t think it was ever possible to find peace again after my sister took her life but there are little positive things each day and I try to be grateful for them

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so blessed that you commented on my blog, you’ve made my day!!! Thank you so much!!! Yes, I wrote this a year ago and am doing a lot better these days, praise God. I’m still fighting! I love that you practise gratefulness, it’s definitely a game changer 🙂 xx

      Like

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