This must be what cocaine feels like – just feeling so happy, whole and pretty damn good. No wonder people get addicted.
Today is day 3 out of 4 days of rest.
As you know (I love you for reading along with me), I’ve been in a very bad way these last few months. Especially in the last 4 weeks where I’ve attempted suicide twice. This is dire. I’ve tried hard to find a new psych (George broke my heart, you have no idea), attend GP appointments to try new anti depressants and keep myself afloat in these 80 foot waves that threaten to do me in. I had a GP appointment on Monday morning where I swallowed my pride and BEGGED to be admitted to a psych ward in a private hospital for the rest of the week.
“Please” I sobbed, sitting across from my new GP (I found one I really like AT LAST, Praise God) “I need help”
He nodded “I can see that, Janet. Let’s get you a referral to Hollywood Clinic”
I sighed in relief. I’d Googled “Hollywood Clinic” and it looked like a 5 star hotel. They provided daily (free) counselling sessions and group therapy as well as yoga and meditation group classes. These all looked AMAZING.
In my mind, it would be simple. Dr Shaw would fax the referral to the Hospital. The Hospital would call me and give me a time to ‘check in’ and maybe even suggest things to bring “bring you favourite stuffed animal and some snacks…maybe some books?” and then I’d go and they would fix me.
I would be in the care of professionals in a place that looked like a Beach-side Resort.
BOOK ME IN, DOC. I’m ready!
I left the appointment and Alun rang “how did it go?”
I told him my awesome plan and he seemed sad that I was going to hospital but offered his support lovingly. “I’ll miss you heaps but if you think this will help you, then go for it, Gorg” he said.
Oh Alun. I love you. You are my heart.
But 2 hours later, my dreams were shattered when the Triage Nurse from Hollywood Clinic rang “Hi Janet, we got your referral and you are fully covered for our services (YUSS, QUEEN!!!) but unfortunately we already have a waiting list of 26 patients ahead of you so you won’t be admitted for probably a few MONTHS”
Err. Excuse me? A few what, now?
“Months?” I asked, hoping I’d heard it wrong.
“Yes, we have a fair system and we work our way down the list as soon as rooms become available, we let each of you know. We’re fully booked at this time and so sorry. If you are in need of urgent care (OF COURSE I AM, WHY ELSE WOULD I APPLY TO BE ADMITTED???) you may need to go to the nearest public hospital and admit yourself to their psych wards.
Nope. That’s not happening. That’s where the city’s most dangerous, most unloved and unwanted are housed. It will make me 1000 times worse.
My heart just broke over and over. I’d tried so hard and was so looking forward to exhaling and being looked after.
What on earth do I do now???
So I do what I always do, I reached out to my favourites on Facebook.
And on an excellent recommendation from my best friend Christabel, I started looking up “AirBnB” places near the city or near the beach. I could create my OWN Oasis since the Hospital wasn’t able to help. This would be just as good. Why didn’t I think of this myself, eh? I love the beach so much and imagined a little apartment by the sea where I could hear the waves through open windows and pop down and dip my legs (or my whole self because it’s been so freaking HOT lately in Perth) into the Ocean. There is something about being near a large body of water (lake, river, ocean) that instantly makes me feel better. I think I like being by the sea best of all.
Anyway, little apartments were popping up and I was biting my lip.
Which to choose? How much can I afford?
Turns out, not a lot. I haven’t been working for 3 weeks and don’t start my new job until next Tuesday but all this time, bills have been coming out.
These beach houses and beach-side apartments were very, very expensive.
I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I was running out of time to rest. 8 days to go and I was still wired, frightened, upset and climbing the walls of my mind in a frantic haste, not knowing when the darkness would end.
Alun was next to me on the sofa that night as I searched. I’d told him the hospital couldn’t admit me so we were both up late trying to come up with an alternative.
“I can’t afford any of these” I said sadly. “I really need somewhere to go and just rest. I can’t rest at home, Gorg” I admitted. It is so hard every time to admit I’m struggling. Especially to Alun because he’s struggling right now, too.
But the best policy is to be honest – so I was. I know if it the tables were turned, I’d want to know how Alun was doing, no matter what state I was in.
“Something has GOT to change” Al quietly said “You’ve been home over a week and haven’t stopped for a minute”
I nodded sadly. A lump had formed in my throat and I counted the days left to rest out on my fingers.
The pressure of being whole and well again in 8 days while still doing housework, grocery shopping and trying to be there for all my family and friends – as well as doing my best to hold Alun upright – it was all too much.
Suicidal thoughts started to creep back in.
I can’t go on like this.
“I don’t know how to stop working and doing things while I’m at home, Gorg. Ideally, I’d like to stay here – but we can’t afford it” I turned my phone screen to Alun and a GORGEOUS New York Style Apartment by the river at the edge of the city skyline showed its glorious self to Alun. High ceilings, light walls, floor-to-ceiling windows, gorgeous decor…a whole beautiful apartment just to myself…
…the glossy floorboards, new counter tops in the kitchen and gorgeous bathroom whispered hopefully to me “no housework here…nothing but rest“
Oh how badly I wanted to be there. Even just for a minute.
Alun sighed and put his arm around me.
“OK. How much?”
“It’s too much. It’s $178 a NIGHT” my lip wobbled.
I was desperately hoping $1000 would magically fly into the window. Then we could afford what we really wanted for the rest of my 8 days of rest.
“Typical Janet” Alun smiled “You always have to have the best”
And he’s right. I do.
“So the youth hostel for $16 a night in Freo didn’t tempt you?” Alun smiled wryly.
No, my love. That place looks like fresh hell to me.
I don’t fancy sharing a small bedroom with SIX other guests. Nuh uhh.
Alun reached forward and got his wallet off the coffee table.
“Right. You’re going”
My heart leapt.
“Something HAS to change here” Alun repeated “You have work next week, Gorg. You need to rest. It’s worth the money to have a happy wife that’s had a good rest. I will pay for you to stay. How long do you want?”
The whole week, please. 8 lovely, perfect days.
Wait. I can’t do that to Alun. He works long hours, saves hard and is very sensible with his money. I can’t just take it from him.
I’m broke because I keep buying makeup palettes. FML.
Janet! For the love of God, don’t ask so much of Alun! Don’t do this!
“Would…” my desperation to be well again in a short amount of time and the pressure to get back to work and real life in just over a week forced me to complete my sentence “Would 4 days be okay?”
Alun nodded, he didn’t even hesitate.
I am so loved by this amazing man. I don’t deserve him. I really don’t.
Alun slid his shiny credit card from his wallet sleeve. It looked brand new. Probably because Alun hardly ever uses it. Mine looks like it’s been buried for 1000 years and is peeling in the corners.
“Tell me when you need the number across the top” Alun said. He sighed. This was hard on him.
I shouldn’t…but I wanted the opportunity to rest. I needed this.
I didn’t need such a swanky place, though.
Janet! You are so greedy.
But I had to try. I had to.
So we put in Alun’s details and filled out the ‘booking in’ form. When I hit ‘submit’, my heart felt as if I’d won a million dollars.
My phone screen spun with that rainbow wheel that means it’s working.
The wheel didn’t stop for a good 2 minutes.
When it did, the word “ERROR” came up.
“Try again” Alun said.
We ended up trying EIGHT times. Re-filling the long-ass form and re-entering Alun’s credit card details. OMG I hope he’s not being charged every time we do this!!! By now, an hour had gone by and I was more and more anxious that it wasn’t working because God was punishing my greediness.
“Why isn’t it working?” Alun asked
Because even God knows I don’t deserve something so fancy.
“Let’s just give up” I sad. I was shaking with the effort of trying to carve out time to rest.
I obviously wasn’t meant to have it.
“Can you email the owner directly and just ask to pay him instead of using the AirBnB site?” Alun suggested.
Not at 2am, my love. He probably won’t be awake and if we wake him, then he probably won’t want to discuss payment details.
I sighed “I give up” I said. My heart broke.
“But Gorg….” Alun insisted “Something has to change”
There it was again.
And it hit me like a lightning bolt. Something really DID have to change.
Alun is right.
“Try something else” a voice whispered to my heart “…try a hotel“
And my mind instantly flashed back to an earlier blog of mine – from years ago and one of my favourites because I always go back and read it. It just makes me so happy. It’s titled “the best $270 I’ve ever spent” and is about me throwing caution to the wind on a very difficult night and getting myself a hotel room in the city for 2 nights.
So Alun and I looked at Hotel rooms in the city.
And found the “Ibis Styles” hotel right in the heart of all the malls.
Newly built and newly refurbished with over 100 guests rating it highly.
This one looks awesome.
It also costs A LOT LESS than that apartment I first wanted to stay in.
“Go on” Alun said – even he was excited now “Put my card details in”
“BOOKED” flashed up on the screen immediately afterwards.
“Your booking confirmation will be sent to your email“
And that was on Monday night.
On Tuesday, I got up at 5am and I didn’t stop working on making our home into a 5 star hotel for Alun to bless him for looking after me until 2pm that afternoon.
By the time I arrived at the hotel, I was physically shaking from exhaustion. I hadn’t even stopped to eat that day.
Check in was great – really fast and efficient and before I knew it, I was opening the bright pink hotel room door “603”.
My own little Oasis.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you for Alun.
I didn’t unpack, I just took a few photos of my room, posted them to Facebook and fell instantly asleep. For HOURS that first day/night. I was SO TIRED, you guys.
And it’s been HEAVEN ever since.
I sleep in every morning. I stroll leisurely around the malls and love looking at everything in stores. I get fancy ‘mocktails’ at different cafes and indulge in “people watching” as I quietly sip and savour them, marveling at just how stunning Perth girls are. I don’t seem to notice the guys so much. Maybe because I’m in love with Alun so no other guy catches my eye 🙂 I eat out for EVERY meal which I really love. I’ve had pancakes, crepes, burgers, fried chicken and loads of icecream and cakes.
I’m not helping on the weight issues I have but OMG I’m enjoying every second.
I’m off now to attend my LUXURY movie session in the city 🙂 I might sneak in a burger and a drink 🙂
I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER.