I have been holding it all inside – deep, deep down for so long now that I need to blog.
I need to let some of this pain out.
On Christmas eve I tried to kill myself by overdosing on panadol. Christmas day was the worst day I’ve ever had in a long time and the most far I’ve ever felt from Alun which made it 1000 times harder to cope with.
I attempted suicide again last Thursday, but this time, taking 20 x 100mg tablets of anti depressants.
In short, it HURT LIKE A BASTARD. My head was throbbing and my kidneys just rang with pain.
Same situation, Alun was drunk and miserable so was turning on me. Instead of snapping back at him, I took too many tablets.
I went to bed. Delirious. Full of Sertaline. Too many tablets of Sertaline.
Drunk Alun fell asleep on the sofa in the living room.
How I didn’t die is both a great disappointment and concern.
I went into work the next day – falling twice as the ground was unsteady beneath me.
I JUST TRIED TO KILL MYSELF AND NOW I’M ADJUSTING MY HEADSET TO TAKE CALLS.
WHAT IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?!?
I feel like I’m here but I’m not here. I feel like I’m on borrowed time now because I should have died.
Everything I touch feels like a dream because I shouldn’t be able to feel it. I shouldn’t be able to feel these keys under my fingers right now or the soft breeze of the air conditioner on my arms. I shouldn’t be able to feel that itch on my neck. I shouldn’t be able to hear Alun’s voice.
I want to die because I can’t handle all the grief. The pain. The sorrow. The emptiness. The feeling I had on Christmas eve and again last Thursday night that the one person in the world I can count on is the same guy calling me “dickhead” and telling me how useless and “fucking annoying” I am.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I really don’t.
There is a private hospital called “Abbotsford” in West Leederville (close to the city) that looks like they do a really good program for helping people like me put their pieces together again.
Only now I can’t go because I start a new job on Saturday morning with a beautiful Wedding Registry.
It’s the lying that gets me. Its the way that it’s so easy to smile at everyone in my life who I love.
“Yeah yeah, I’m fine” SMILE.
“Haha yes, so excited for the new job” SMILE.
“Yeah I’m so lucky, so happy in love” SMILE
I don’t want to smile.
I don’t want to breathe!!! I DONT WANT TO LIVE FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
But the lies, they come out so naturally.
I looked into the eyes of my parents today and lied again and again to them both. Dad frowned into the camera (we were on FaceTime) and asked “Your eyes are puffy, darl. When did you last get a good nights’ sleep?”
It’s been a bloody long time, Dad.
“Uhh, I’ve just been up watching loads of films, haha” LIE
Dad nodded “yeah they have some good ones out”
SAVE ME, DAD. Tell me it’s going to be okay.
I AM SO SCARED OF LIFE THAT I JUST WANT TO END IT, DAD.
“Oh yeah, I heard that’s a good film” I smile and go along with whatever Dad’s said.
My best friend rings from Melbourne “Congratulations on the job” SMILE “oh thanks”. After some time, she asks “So…how are you?”
INCREDIBLY SUICIDAL AND LOSING MY FUCKING MIND TO BE HONEST.
“Yeah, just tired” I chuckle “working long hours and just need a break”
Ask me again how I am, Christabel. PERSIST in making sure I’m okay. Please. I have so much I want to tell you. I need to tell someone how badly I’m suffering.
“Yeah same, the other day I…” and the moment is gone and tears are coursing down my face and I bite my lip so she doesn’t hear me cry.
Alun is softly snoring in bed and the sun hasn’t even gone down yet. He’s tired from work and pale from 3 nights of non-stop drinking. My heart breaks for him and how hard this is for him – a suicidal wife and he’s got so much stress at work, too.
But I still want him to save me.
ALUN CAN YOU HEAR ME, MY LOVE? I NEED YOU TO SAVE ME.
Stop drinking, Alun. It’s killing you and it’s killing me to watch you slowly die like this. Go back to the gym because you love to go. Make yourself healthy and strong again…and please save me.
Every fibre of my very being just wants to FOR ONCE answer HONESTLY.
How are you, Janet?
I’m SUICIDAL and I really need some help…