I talk to myself. A LOT.
Mostly I try to encourage myself. I think it’s important to be your own advocate because in those deep, dark times where you are all alone – then you have to be your own cheerleader. You have to.
What I was thinking about today was how easy it is for me to give advice to others but then not take it myself.
…because when it comes to me – I am very hard on myself and even the most simple things tend to get very, very complicated.
The other day, Alun and I were watching one of his new favourite shows “peep show” – an English comedy series about 2 guys being idiots, really. It is an interesting take on a comedy because it does constant voiceovers of what the guys are thinking and not just what they’re saying out loud. Yesterday’s episode was that one of the guys – Mark, was paying all the rent and all the bills and buying all the food, even though Jeremy lived there, too. Naturally, Mark was fed up that Jeremy wasn’t helping, so he asked him to either start paying his fair share – or move out. Jeremy is lazy and had no intention of going anywhere. The show then follows Mark to a speed dating night where he gets no matches. Mark struggles with this rejection and tries to hook up with a woman there even though she clearly is not interested in him. Mark wants to impress her and make her his girlfriend so when she tells him she’s looking for a home, he invites her to move in.
The girl – let’s call her “Nancy” – moves in and together, she and Jeremy make life really miserable for Mark. Neither of them pay towards anything and instead of getting help by having another flatmate, Mark ends up spending more trying to keep everyone happy.
This is where I’d look at it from the outside. I’d see it as simple.
GET THEM BOTH TO MOVE OUT. ASAP.
Even if no one new moves in to share the rent/bills, Mark can obviously afford both on his own and maybe he would even save money by not having such large bills and having to afford food for 3 people. He would just have to feed himself.
Easily solved, right?
Only for Mark, it’s not easy at all. Jeremy isn’t just some guy he shares a house with, Jeremy is his best friend. Mark can’t make him move out because he knows Jeremy is useless and will probably end up homeless and starving. And “Nancy” is good looking so Mark wants people to think she’s his girlfriend to boost his confidence. Mark is going through a divorce and this is affecting his logical thinking – so right now, it’s super important to him that people see him happily in a relationship – and in this case – with someone gorgeous. Even though she is absolutely horrible to him.
In his world, this is a very complicated situation indeed.
So Alun and I watched on as things fall apart around Mark. Nancy has loud parties that last all through the night with big groups of her friends so Mark and Jeremy get no sleep. Mark is now really tired as well as struggling with money. This is stressing him out and affecting his health. Things for Mark are going from bad to worse.
Logic dictates Mark should just make it all stop by telling Nancy to f*ck off. Even if Jeremy stays, at least they were able to get a peaceful night’s sleep before the days of Nancy and the house wasn’t over-run with drunk, obnoxious, free-loading women.
But Mark can’t. In his mind, he has to keep them both happy. He has to keep up appearances that he is fine and going well and he also hates conflict so he doesn’t want to tell anyone to move out.
Mark is struggling.
Mark…I hear you. I see you, boyo. I know what it feels like and honestly, it is absolutely garbage. I know it seems like there is no way out.
I know because I’m in quite the ‘pickle’ myself.
I’m letting staff in my workplace run roughshod over me. It is killing me. I’m unwell, physically tired, mentally exhausted, overly emotional and I’m running myself ragged trying to make everyone happy when I know logically it’s just not possible.
So I need to speak to myself as if I was speaking to someone I love.
With lots of care and support.
JD you need to quit this job. It is not good for you, it is making you ill and it is draining all your hope and energy.
You need to be smart about this, though. Don’t just run away. Set up appointments to get a new job. Renew your CV and add some kick-ass references. Get a SIGNED CONTRACT for something new before handing in your notice. Have something concrete to go to.
THEN you can burn the building down while laughing maniacally and telling the people who push you down to F*CK OFF.
But first you have to get organised.
You are worth more than being treated like a trained monkey. You are worth diamonds. You WILL get another job. It is a scary concept leaving the familiar for the unknown but you have been here before and you have survived.
Joy kicked me out of the Minister’s office and I had a box packed with all my things, a broken heart, a bruised spirit and no where to go. I remember thinking then “what do I do now?” and worrying into the future because Alun and I had just bought a house.
It was the worst time to be without a job.
But it ended up being the best thing to happen to me.
I’m going to be okay, you guys. It may take time…but I’m going to be okay.