Have you ever actually tried making lemonade?
IT. IS. A. BASTARD.
To get the quantities just right and to make it something palatable and not disgusting takes work.
A lot of work.
So, to whoever said “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” – SCREW YOU, MAN.
What if you don’t even like lemonade?
As you can see, I’m anxious and angry all the time. If I’m not running on rage or fear, I’m crying.
I can’t live like this, you guys. I’m holding onto life with my very fingertips and this is tiring and painful. So painful.
I spent the weekend catching public transport with my earphones in and Matchbox20 (my favourite band) blasting. I think I listened to all their albums and let Rob Thomas (he is SO HOT, by the way) soothe my broken heart. I cried. For hours as the buses and trains let the world flash by in the big widows I leant my forehead against. I didn’t care if people were watching.
Next time, I think sunglasses might be a good idea? I actually tried some on in the Fremantle markets on Saturday. I put them on and instantly thought “I really like these”. I put them back on the display shelf with hundreds of other glasses as a sparkly pair caught my eye (the Asian in me can’t help but want to touch shiny things) and HATED that pair on my face. Yuck. But then I couldn’t find the pair I really liked. I cried about that, too.
I’m so emotional and so lost. I feel like a car wreck in a hoodie.
I’m so thankful for Becci for reading my blog, for reaching out to me and listening. I’m hanging onto your emails like a liferaft, Bestie. You have no idea. I am so thankful you don’t tell me anything about you, you just listen to me. I know that sounds so selfish but I just can’t take anything on.
I’m thankful for Jackers who called me his family. He texted on Saturday “wanna come over for a cup of tea? Kane and I can cuddle you?” and that sounded lovely, but I have to be on my own to survive this depression so I texted back that I just couldn’t. Jack didn’t get upset or try to persuade me, he just messaged “love you” and OMG that made my day. I texted him “Thank you for understanding” and he messaged “That’s what I do for FAMILY. I’ll be strong because I know right now you cant. You just rest”.
Oh my heart.
Jackers, Thank you.
I feel like I’m crumbling. Like I’m made of clay and that when the wind blows, pieces of me just come off. They blow off down the street like dry Autumn leaves and all I can do is watch. And cry.SHARE
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