I had a great Christmas morning. Alun – who normally hates Christmas – was in a giddy. It was wonderful to see him so happy and even though I complained about it, it made me smile to hear Alun making songs up about Christmas. It was mostly Alun singing the word “presents” over and over again in different keys while he ran around the house giggling. Bless him.
We gave each other great presents and had a wonderful nap together curled up around each other on the couch after all the excitement of presents. I guess this is 40 because I liked having a little nap more than anything today. Haha. OMG I’m old.
Mom called later that afternoon. I was helping myself to lunch – Mexican food (lol) and smiled, seeing Mom’s name light up on my phone’s screen.
She was already chuckling. Mom is always laughing about something, God bless her.
“hahaha Hello my Janny!” her happy voice boomed across the phone lines.
We talked for a few minutes about Christmas, Mom telling me about how busy it was at the Hyatt “but we smashed it” Mom said proudly. I love how she picks up Aussie sayings so quickly. I told Mom about Alun being giddy and how we gave each other great gifts this year.
Everything was going so well.
I was just spooning another mouthful of chilli con carne into my mouth and mumbling something to Mom when everything changed.
“So your brother told me he got your text the other day”
Instantly, my mind flashed to when I sent “hey” to my brother and how much it cost me to reach out to him.
The whole world stopped.
I choked on my spoonful.
How was this going to go?
I was so scared and so anxious but also really hopeful. Maybe there was a good reason Jay didn’t text back and Mom would say something like “he wanted to text you back but was in a meeting and by the time he was out…it was really late at night”
Maybe this would be the start of a new beginning with Jay.
“He said you’re a weirdo. Who texts the word “hey” out of nowhere? I agree with him. Jay said you were really rude to just shout out at him a random word and not explain yourself. What were you thinking?”
And my heart…my heart broke into small pieces that shattered on our new wooden floorboards.
“I mean – he’s right, Janny – it’s just rude. Jay was really offended by your text. I agree with him”
He was offended?
You agree with him???
A tear rolled down my face and I slowly lowered my bowl to the table with shaking hands.
It was just the word “Hey”…it was me…reaching out to say “hello”…what was rude and offensive about that?
“You need to think before you open your big mouth” Mom said.
That felt so harsh.
“I just wanted to say hello” I tried to explain.
“Your brother said it was weird and rude. You two haven’t spoken in months and then you just text one word and no apology…that’s wrong and really stupid, Janny. You should know better”
Everything within me wanted to hang up.
Why do I have to apologise, Mom??? Why are you taking Jay’s side on this and giving me a hard time?
More tears fell and my throat was closing up.
I couldn’t breathe. It hurt me so much and so deeply.
I felt so incredibly…abandoned. Alone.
“Mom I have to go”
Mom was oblivious.
“See you on Friday for your housewarming party!”
“Sure, Mom. Bye”
And for the rest of the afternoon, I’ve been sitting on the sofa…crying.
Feeling torn up, feeling like I am a weirdo.
About an hour after I’d hung up from Mom, my phone ‘pinged’ with a Facebook message. I opened it and it was from my cousin, Anuwar. He had found these old pictures of my parents, Jay and I – and had sent them to us as a Christmas present. The pictures were so beautiful! I loved seeing my parents so young and full of life. I think my Mom in particular was STUNNING as a young woman. Just wow.
Anwar had made a ‘conversation’ and had put himself, me and my brother into it.
“For you both, cuzzes – I love you loads”
I wrote back, smiling through my tears “These are so pretty, Cuz – thank you so much!”
Jay’s Facebook picture was in a bubble that dropped down below any text added so everyone could see he had read and received the message.
“Awesome Cuz – merry Christmas” he wrote.
All our picture bubbles dropped down – we all saw his response.
I decided to try again. I decided to hold out with shaking hands an olive leaf to my brother.
“Happy Christmas Jay, Kate and Sebastian…hope you all have a wonderful day”
All our picture bubbles appeared below my message.
Biting my lip with my heart thumping and hands sweating, I waited.
I had worked myself into such a frenzy with the staring and waiting and by holding my breath that I had to go to the toilet and throw up.
I came back and Jay had replied:
“Love you, Cuz – happy Christmas to you and Jayne”
Oh my heart. It just…died.
Jay had ignored me and we had all seen it.
Under Jay’s line – the words “Anuwar has left this conversation”
So my Cuz is sick of our rubbish, too.
I don’t blame him.
I was so hurt, it started my tears anew.
I know you’ll be reading this and probably thinking to yourself “no big deal, Janet – don’t get so worked up about it”
But to me, it is a big deal.
It hurts so much.
It ruined my day and I don’t know how to move on.
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