Today, I wanted to tell you what I know about CHEATING in a marriage.
Firstly, try your damndest NOT to do it.
I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I’d rather I didnt, but there you go.
Secondly, if you feel tempted to cheat on your husband/boyfriend/other half – here’s what you should do:
1. Talk about it. To as MANY people as possible.
I think cheating becomes like a drug – an exciting, SECRET, naughty thing that gives you butterflies in your stomach because you know it’s wrong. I don’t know why, but doing something wrong feels really exciting! It feels awesome so you don’t want it to end. And what do we do with wrong things? We want to hide them. This is when we start texting in secret – when our loved one is out/away so that no one knows what we’re doing. This is when we start hiding our browser history. This is when we start lying – because we need to account for where we’ve been and what we’ve been up to and we want to keep it on the downlow so we lie to make up for being a slimeball. The best way to prevent going any further with the hot guy in the office you have a crush on – is to TELL YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT IT. Tell your best friend. Tell all your friends. Tell your counsellor. Tell your postman (bless him), because then it’s not a secret and then the fire of excitement gets extinguished almost as quickly as it was ignited in the first place. OUT YOURSELF because then temptation can’t get it’s sticky fingers around you. The more people that know about it, the less chance you give it of becoming something dangerous.
2. Address it.
Think – really think – about why you’re tempted to cheat. In my case, it was because I wasn’t getting physical affection from my first husband. I really wanted to be kissed. Deeply. I really wanted him to ‘have his wicked way with me’ and every month, 6 months, year, few years that passed by, that desire just lead to heart ache and a profound loneliness because I was constantly being ‘refused’ by my husband. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure. So, before I cheated on Jon, I told him how hurt I was and how much I was struggling and I asked for his help. He is a driven, determined, obsessive guy and unfortunately for us both – he was obsessed with being the best Youth leader he could be rather than be a husband so things didn’t work out for us.
In my most recent case (fancying ‘hot Ryan’ from my office), it was because Alun and I had been working some really long hours and not seeing each other. When I recognised that I was thinking ‘a little too much’ about Ryan – I talked to my friends about him. I talked to Alun about him. Alun made a lot of jokes “I’m Ryan, I’m so cool” but he took me seriously and together, we took a trip out to Rottnest and spent the day together. We worked together on our marriage so that no matter how many hours we work, we make time to lay on the sofa together and talk. Really talk. Even just for a few minutes. Being wrapped in Alun’s arms, with our legs entwined and feeling safe and secure…feeling his steady heartbeat in my ear and his soft breath on my forehead…makes everything right in my world – in our world – and I all but forgot about Ryan. And that’s how it should be.
So take time to think about why you are looking for ‘love’ (sex? attention?) somewhere else. What is it that you find lacking in your current relationship? Why do you think that is? Is there any chance you could work together with your husband/wife/boyfriend to fix it? To hash it out together and to grow and learn from it? Because that would be awesome…and again, it stops things from getting ‘bigger’ and a lot worse in future.
3. Get some help.
If you’ve tried the first two options ^^ and you still find you’re fantasising about someone you’re not in a relationship with, then get some professional help. Ask to see a counsellor/psychologist/Church Elder – someone who’s not your bestie because then, they’ll give you objective advice and they’ll get alongside you so that you do the right thing. Things like considering cheating on your wife/husband are too big to be dealt with alone – so reach out to someone professional and get some support. It’s okay to need some help finding your feet.
I think that’s all for today 🙂
Tune in again for another instalment, eh?