Doing great

I get scared to say it, you know.

I get scared to say “Actually, I’m doing great” because I feel like ‘life’ will overhear me and think to itself “is that right?” and give me a terrible illness or put me through a really hard time just to prove me wrong.

It’s silly, I know.

So today, I’m going to be brave and say it.

I’m actually doing really, really great.

I love my job, I have wonderful friends, I’m in a happy and amazing marriage and I live in a really beautiful home.

Yesterday, for instance, was a really good day. I had a great day at work, pottering about in the office, cleaning and chatting to staff. I love what I do (God alone knows what my actual title is – there isn’t a reception area on this floor and I just tidy up around people – whether they’re in the kitchen or not – as well as do a bit of Admin work) and the afternoon flew by really well.

I’d been in touch with Alun a few times in the day, just calling each other and laughing. I don’t know if you know this, but Alun is hilarious. It’s amazing the things he finds humour in and it’s catching. I rang him for about the forth time to say I was leaving work and was heading home and his “woohoo” just touched my heart. I texted Alun again when I got off the train at Meltham to say I was almost home and he texted “yay!”.

So sweet.

I was walking down our road and 50 feet away was Alun – smiling and waving with both arms “Wife!”

Oh my heart.

He looked so happy to see me, I thought my heart would burst. Alun just stood there, waving, laughing (?) and waiting as I walked towards him…then he enfolded me in the biggest, warmest hug I’ve ever had in my life.

I don’t know how long we stood on the sidewalk oustide our home for – just in that embrace – it felt like years and it felt like nanoseconds. It felt like heaven. It felt like all the best things wrapped up in a silk bow. I loved it.

We pulled apart finally and Alun beamed a big smile down at me “Come on – I’ll show you around!”

(It’s something we always say to each other. So daggy).

Alun took my hand and oh my gosh, I loved it. The feeling of his warm, strong fingers laced with mine. I love this man so much.

“Come and see what I did in the garden!” so we walked around our garden, hand in hand – as Alun showed me the big bags of potting soil he’d bought and stacked up next to the new garden planters I’d bought. Alun proudly pointed to all our flowers, vegetables and herbs – which he’d trimmed and weeded so that everything looked fresh and new. The garden smelled and looked amazing.

“You did such a great job, Gorg” I smiled up at him.

Just so in love. Thank you, Father God.

“Come and see inside! I did some grocery shopping too!” and Alun led me into our home – our very first home together. We stood in the kitchen together while Alun opened cupboards and drawers and showed me all the food and drinks he’d bought for over the Christmas holidays. It touched my heart how many of my favourite foods Al had brought. My husband is so thoughtful.

Unfortunately for us both, I had terrible ladypains and the cramps all around my waist were too painful for me to ignore any longer.

“Gorg…I have to lie down” I said and pulled a face “Sorry”

Alun was so excited. Cutting him off felt awful “You could lay here near me” Alun gestured hopefully at our sofa. “We could watch telly together?”

It wouldn’t do, though. I had to be able to ‘scrunch’ myself up. I felt miserable body-wise and just wanted to put on my pjs and curl up (literally) in bed.

I showered and changed and heard Alun laughing and chatting to himself. His voice is gravelly and a lot deeper than usual as he’s fighting a chest infection and I suspect he likes the sound of it as much as I do, now 🙂

In so much pain, I walked to the kitchen and put my arms around Alun.

“Gorg, I’m just going to have a little nap – then I’ll be awake for dinner and we can talk”

“I’m so excited about things and I have so much to tell you!” Alun smiled. When he’s happy, he smiles really wide and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen. The whole afternoon, Alun had given his ‘wide-red-ribbon-right-across-my-face’ smile. It touched my heart so see him so happy.

“I won’t be long and then I’m all yours” I assured.

I climed into bed, thankful that I wasn’t homeless (can you imagine? Being on ladypains and not having a home???) and pulled Alun’s eyemask over my face wearily. Ladypains make me feel as if I’ve been hit by a bus.

I felt movement on the bed and heard Alun’s chuckle.

“Maybe I could just talk a bit now while you fall asleep?” he offered.

Oh my heart. He must be really excited.

“Can I tell you what I bought you for Christmas?” I could feel Alun’s excited bouncing on the bed

“No gorg” I said, smiling. I love surprises so I was hoping Alun wouldn’t tell me what he’d bought.

“But…it’s too exciting to keep secret!” Alun persisted.

I groaned.

I felt Alun’s movement on the bed and felt his hand curl gently around mine.

“What if I just tell you ONE thing I bought you?” he laughed “it’s so cool! I think I might have bought it for me, too”

Oh Lord.

“Gorg” I tried to be stern, but Alun’s giddyness was infectious and I couldn’t help but smile as I was talking:”Just try to think about something else, ok?”

“Ok” he sighed.

More wiggling on the bed.

“It’s really cool, though” he insisted.

I shook my head.

Because I had my eyemask on, I wasn’t sure what to make of the feathery feeling I was getting across the top of my forehead.

“Um…what are you doing?” I asked

“Brushing my eyelashes against you” Alun answered. His face was so close to me, I could feel the tip of his nose brushing mine.

Oh my heart.

“I love you, Janet”

I love you too, my Alun.

And that’s the last thing I remember. I was asleep by 6pm and didn’t wake until 6am the next morning.

I had the BEST sleep I’ve had in a long time.

I’m so happy. So loved. So blessed.

And so excited for Christmas! Woo!

2 responses to “Doing great”

  1. OMG! Do you know I have that same fear? Every time I have been content or happy, something came and messed it up. It has led me to self sabotage when it comes to romantic relationships and even cheering for my accomplishments. It’s something I am still working on. Right now, I take things as they come but I don’t outright say that I’m happy or I’m doing great. It’s a fear.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s an unfair thing isn’t it? We can’t let ourselves admit to happiness because the fear it will get taken away (often backed up by many occasions where that literally happens) is so great. I pray you have much happier days without “life” overhearing and ripping you off xx


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