For goodness sakes.
I’m totally fed up.
I think I invite drama into my life unwittingly, you know.
There I was…as happy as a clam, enjoying my awesome marriage, awesome job (omg I love this job), awesome friends and awesome life…
…and then within the space of only a few hours, Kirsty emailed AND Gracie rang.
2 People who just mess me around, break my heart, are demanding, selfish and not nice to me.
So why do I make every effort to have them back?
Because I’m an idiot.
That’s all I can come up with. I’m completely stupid.
Who would ALLOW back into their lives people who just break them? Break my heart, belittle my confidence and make me question who I am as a person?
I talked to Alun about “Kirsty” and Gracie yesterday.
He laughed and wrapped his arms around me “Little wife, you want to be friends with everyone…whether it’s good for you or not…these girls – they’re bad news…I think you should let them go”
And deep down inside, I knew he was right.
But that 5-year-old baby version of me wants just what Alun said – to be friends with everyone.
So I emailed Kirsty back. It took me an hour of writing furiously, editing, reading it, reading it again and trying to see it from her eyes…deleting, adding, editing…omg. It drove me nuts.
In the end, I was happy with what I wrote and I let it sit. I walked away from it for half an hour, came back and re-read it. I was still happy with it, so I sent it.
I was hoping Kirsty and I could start over. Literally start over. Draw a line after everything that’s gone on in the past and just start anew. As my love language is words – particually written ones – I thought it would be best to WRITE to each other for a while and get to know each other again. So many ‘olden day’ things are lost in our society and wouldn’t it be nice to bring some of them back? Like letters? So I put that to her and not long after, she rang me directly “Let’s meet up!!!”
So I emailed Kirsty again – “please, let’s take this slow and steady – let’s stick to emails for as long as it takes for us both to be okay with moving forward”
I got Kirsty’s reply today. It was everything I fully expected it to be. Full of blame and pointing the finger at me and how I should change, how I want to make things difficult and how I haven’t been there for her “you’d think as someone with depression you’d know how much I need to SEE you in person” she wrote “I would have dropped everything and been there instantly for you”.
Oh my heart.
The accusations and the attack.
Why do I do this to myself?
If I could turn back time, I’d turn back to that very first email I got from Kirsty about a month ago with the words “Truce? We miss you“
And I would have replied with this.
“I wish you the best. No thanks xx“
Just. Like. That.
And I could have walked off with my heart in tact and my head held high.
WHY DON’T I JUST DO THE SIMPLE THINGS???
Now, I’m sitting at my desk at work, wiping tears away and feeling sick in my stomach. “I would have done it for you” goes around and around in my head “you should have done this/you should have done that/you should have called me back/ you should have changed entirely to please me/you should completely forget how I completely annihilated you and just meet up with me as if nothing happened”
Kirsty said in her email that I was too cautious and that I put too much emphasis on starting anew rather than leading off from where we were before.
Kirsty – have you forgotten where we were before? Because we were hurting each other.
Who on earth wants to continue that?
All Kirsty’s email did was tear me up. All the ways I’ve failed her. All the hell she’s going through and that I’m doing nothing to help.
I don’t want that back in my life.
I’m glad she emailed today. I’m glad she doesn’t want to be friends.
I’m just pissed (sorry for the swearing) that I allowed her to do this to me again!!!
She asks “Can we be Friends?” and then says “Nah, I’ve changed my mind” and what drives me mad is that she KEEPS DOING THIS TO ME.
She just keeps doing it. Again and again.
It’s pretty simple, Kirsty – DO YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS OR NOT?!?
Why do you have to make this so damn complicated???
YOU’RE DOING MY FREAKING HEAD IN.
You only want to be friends in the ways that suit you and that is not okay with me. This is the FORTH TIME you’ve asked to come back into my life and like a COMPLETE GIMP I let you!!!
This is now the FORTH time you’ve changed your mind “No, I don’t actually want to be friends if this is the way you’re going to be”
Is that so?
Well again, you know what you can do, don’t you? Don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out.
I don’t really care).
This time, I’ll follow you to make sure you leave and I’ll deadbolt the door behind you.
It all just hurts so much. I feel terrible and am finding today so hard. This makes me cry and makes me feel sick.
If you EVER contact me again, Kirsty – and I bet you will – it will be a firm NO THANKS from me.
No long email to explain so that you can see where I’m coming from.
No effort to try to understand from your point of view next time.
No forgetting how absolutely TOXIC you are and how much you hurt me and just focusing on how lovely it was to laugh with you over a cup of tea.
Next time, I won’t spend more than a minute thinking about you.
I’ll just say NO.
4 times (OMG JD!!! FOUR!!!) is the charm for me, mate. I can’t be doing this with you again. My heart literally can’t take your bullshit anymore.
JD. You CANNOT keep doing this to yourself!!!
PUT THOSE FENCES BACK UP AND THIS TIME MAKE THEM OUT OF CONCRETE.
I’ll write about Gracie in my next blog. This is probably enough for you to read in one blog. Lol