I read my Bible a lot.
Sometimes more than others. Sometimes just one verse a day…but still, it’s there in my heart. God’s word.
Sometimes it makes a lot of sense and other times, I wonder what on earth God meant.
Like the phrase David quoted in many Psalms “renew my mind”
I would read it and think “eh?”
Get a new mind?!?
Mostly “why” though – because I think a lot of what makes us who we are – is what we think.
But today, I think I get it.
I’m weighed down with depression and have been for a good few weeks.
Ever since I started my new job.
Ever since “Joyce” started bullying me.
And now, I long for a new mind. A new way of thinking and being – especially at work.
The truth is, it’s probably not that bad. Joyce hasn’t stabbed me or hurt me – she’s never touched me. She just shouts a lot. She’s brash and brittle and unpleasant to be around…but she’s not ever physically hurt me. I should be able to shrug it off.
My friend “Diana” would say to “breadcrumb” it. Makes me smile thinking of her beautiful smile – “just breadcrumb it, Janet” she said one day at lunch.
“If you’re eating a sandwich and some crumbs fall on your lap, you just do this” and with that, Diana brushed pretend crumbs from her lap. “There” she beamed “Gone!”
So Diana lovingly demonstrated that when people are unpleasant and not nice to us, we can just brush their stupid comments away.
And if I was well, I think I could do just that.
But I’m not well.
I feel as if my whole world is caving in and my head with it.
The reality of the situation is this:
I’m new in a very tough, competitive, high-stress, high-demand situation. That alone is stressful enough. That alone is a big enough challenge.
I’m working in a very small, tight-knit office with 3 girls/women who “go way back” and have worked together happily for years and years. Suddenly, they’ve seen their friend – one of their ‘team’ relocated to another role in another office (fired, basically) and have seen most of the office leave – to be quickly replaced by Tim, Emma and Jane from my office. Tim then ‘headhunted’ me – (which was very flattering but my God, if it EVER happens AGAIN in my life, I’m just going to say NO) – and without telling me ANYTHING about the unstable office environment he had chosen for me, he told me amazing things about my future in his office with the new Minister…and like a silly little kid, I gobbled it all up.
I work in a high pressure job now. I have demands and deadlines and the work – it doesn’t stop. On a good day, it is manageable. On a good day, I get to exhale a few times during the afternoon. But good days aren’t often and they are very far between.
The Minister’s office is made up of about 12 staff. That’s all. Just us. 11 of the staff are friendly, pleasant, hard-working and have made me feel welcome. I only have problems trying to interact with ONE person in the ENTIRE office.
That’s the reality of the situation.
Illness, depression and anxiety have crept in…and have warped, changed, darkened and made so much heavier to bear – the situation.
In my mind, I’m being attacked constantly. In my mind, I’m hated by the entire office. In my mind, I can’t do anything right. I’m worthless, stupid, and very, very alone.
And I hate being alone more than anything else in my life.
So I hold my breath a lot at work. I bite my lip a lot. I blurt out a lot of stupid, random, REALLY WEIRD things because I don’t know how to navigate the new office, the new people – or my role and/or my place in all of this ‘newness’.
So the staff in my new office – are taking big steps back from me. I’m coming across as a fruit loop.
So they’re being cautious. They’re being wary of me.
I feel – displaced. I feel left out. I feel avoided.
I feel so bloody alone.
And it hurts, you guys.
Maybe no one hates me in the office. Well – apart from Joyce. Lol. She’s very vocal about what she does and doesn’t like and I know she’s not “team Janet”. That should be okay – I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…and yet…
I can’t move on.
I can’t breadcrumb this.
It hurts so much.
I feel so unwelcome and uncomfortable and it makes me so very unhappy.
The worst part is – I’m doing this to myself.
I’m taking an already pretty rough situation – and I’m making it worse.
I feel like everyone at work is looking at me. Judging me. Whispering about me. Hating me.
I feel like I’m going crazy, you know.
Logic says ‘everyone’ has bigger things to think about and talk about than me.
Depression says there is nothing more important to them than pushing me out.
Father God – please renew my mind.
I’d love to be able to take my brain out and wash it, dry it, leave it to rest – and then re-use it in a week or so – and sleep for the whole time I’m waiting to use my ‘new’ mind.
I want to be healthy, well and well-balanced, Lord God.
I don’t want this depression and anxiety. I don’t want this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every morning when I know I have to go to work. I don’t want to cry every evening on my way home because I’m so exhausted from work and from feeling so very alone the entire time I’m in the office.
I want to think and feel differently about this new job.
I need to.
Or it will kill me. This sadness is too great for me to bear for much longer.