One step at a time

I love action movies. I love the thought of heroes and doing good for people who need help. That’s probably why I watch a lot of movies. Some of my favourite movies – are the ones with the “Avengers” in them.

Of course, “Tony Stark” (played by the gorgeous Robert Downey Jr) is my favourite. Because Robert DJ is my favourite. He can do no wrong in my eyes. He’s wonderful.

Anyway, I’m losing track here.

What I wanted to say is that something that struck me was something ‘the Hulk’ said in one of their movies. He said to someone “want to know my secret of being the Hulk?” they obviously said ‘yes’ so he answered “I’m always angry”.

At the time, I thought “that can’t be right – because then he’d always be the Hulk and we’d never see Mark Garrufalo (sp?) in his lovely human form”.

But now I get it. He lives in a constant state of anger. It just changes levels, but it’s always there – simmering away under the surface.

I get it now because I live in a constant state of fear and self loathing. I hate myself so much and that never goes away – it’s always there, bubbling under the surface. I am constantly scared, constantly anxious and constantly ready to beat myself up.

…and this is where suicidal tendencies come into it.

When I’m in a high state of anxiety and depression – any little thing can set me off on a very dark and dangerous pathway.

And that’s where I am now.

This last weekend with my parents has really pushed me over the edge and I’m on high alert all the time.

Let me tell you, it’s exhausting. In every possible way.

Obviously I haven’t killed myself yet – but it’s there. The thoughts and plans are always there.

So this week – starting from today, I’m going to do the best I can to get through it – one tiny step at a time. I’m in work now, so will concentrate on work. Then I’ll go home. Then I’ll go to the gym, then I’ll relax in the garden. Then I’ll gratefully go to sleep.

And repeat.

But I want you to know it’s not easy. It’s painful in every way a painful thing can be.

I feel as if I’m crawling on my hands and knees on the sharp edge of a huge knife. It hurts so much to move forward but I’m forcing myself to do it.

One step at a time…one foot in front of the other…until  I feel stronger and better.

Pray for me xx

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