"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I found a book of poetry I wrote in my late teens/twenties.

One poem really stood out to me and as I read the words, I remember who it was about and how I felt when I wrote it. Heartbroken. Friend-zoned and gutted about it.

Here’s my poem – written when I was 27.

“This is the last time”

This

is the last time

I will look at you

this way

The last time

I will long for your touch

melt at your caress

yearn to hear your voice

or see your face

The last time

my heart will skip a beat

at the sound of your laugh

no more

will I ache for you at night

and no more

will I imagine an ‘us’

After today

I will work hard

at not rushing to the phone when it rings

hoping it will be you

I won’t sing about you

in the shower anymore

I won’t hold you tight

when I see you again tomorrow –

we can shake hands instead if you like

or nod

not touching at all

I will work at not thinking of you

even though it breaks my heart

I have to let you go

Funny

how you’ll never know

that after today

I won’t burn for you anymore

I won’t see you

in a dreamy haze any more

you will be

just another guy

another good friend

no longer a dream

a hope

a wish

a desire

So yeah, we can meet for lunch

one last time

but this time

I won’t prepare myself

to look my best

hours before we meet

I won’t wear the skirt you like

I won’t check the clock every few seconds

in my excitement to see you

I won’t be breathless

when I arrive to meet you

because I won’t have run

all the way to the cafe

I might even get there fashionably late…

and even though it will take all my strength,

I won’t move my chair closer to yours

so our elbows will bump

and I get to be in contact with you

I will walk casually over to you

forcing myself to take my time

forcing my legs to walk – not run

forcing my heart to ignore its’ cries

forcing my mind to erase your name

oh your wonderful name

from its’ romantic daydreams

I won’t order a tiny meal

so that I can focus my attention on you

I will have a whole hamburger

and not worry

if I get tomato sauce

on my chin

or on my shirt

I won’t worry again

after today

about how I look to you

You said last night

that you wanted to be

“Just friends”

nothing more.

Those words

shattered my heart

gutted me

and left me so confused.

After today, I will say “No thanks”

if you ask me to lunch again

and even though I dont want

to do this

or say this

or decide this

Today is the last day

this is the last time

my love,

the very

last

time

I will feel this way about you.