** a letter to my ex husband I wrote years and years ago…enjoy **
How are you?
Im writing to you on my blog because whenever we have spoken over the last year and a half, we are both too full of emotion to think clearly and calmly. Im also writing to you on here because I can say -without any ‘editing’ or fear of saying the wrong thing – what I REALLY want to; because you’ll actually never read this.
Oh Jonno…we’ve gone from crying torrents of tears at the very beginning of this divorce…to shouting abuse and saying things we would have been SHOCKED to even think about years ago…to just sighing in defeat, to fighting more, to trying to go on in ignorance…to your email last week that was simply titled “Hi Little Miss”. A new beginning.
I read it a thousand times and wrote my reply very carefully. I kept it short, you know. A lot like the first email I ever sent to you. I was in Uni in Australia – a nervous 23 year old girl not knowing what the hell her life was going to be like…I saw your profile on that Church dating site, smiled at your clever comments, loved your picture and wrote to you for HOURS telling you all the best things about myself…maybe even embellishing a bit so you’d like me more. Then I had a great moment of clarity; deleted the entire thing and just sent you a few short sentences saying “Hi” and introducing myself briefly. I guess I figured if we were meant to be, that would sort itself out in more emails. You didn’t need to know it all at once, hey?
Then we were married a year later.
It’s odd, Jonathan. I think about you – about ‘us’ often and I can never come up with something clear and solid to say about it all.
I wish I could talk to you…really talk to you. I wish I could hold your hand and explain it all to you. I wish I could “tie loose ends” up with you in a nice neat way. I wish I could package up our marriage and then our divorce together in a box and tie a bright bow around it, label it and put it in a cupboard in my soul and know it’s been finished with.
But somehow, I think you’ll always be a part of my life. 10 years together is too long with someone to forget them.
You probably already know this, but I check your facebook page from time to time and like being able to see how you are. I worry when I see you’re taking on so much at Church, I cant help it! But, I know that you know what you’re doing. I also remind myself it’s not my call anymore. Im just happy to see you happy, that’s the main thing. I’m so happy to see that you’re following your dreams – you always wanted to be a Youth Pastor and you’re doing it so well. You’re doing brilliantly! I always knew you could.
I also see you’re travelling ALOT just now. What’s with that? I guess in a way Im excited for you and proud that you’re spreading your wings. You had the same ham and cheese sandwich for lunch for more than 7 years, lived in the same village for so long, have your same rituals and ‘ways of doing things’ that you were so strict with…so to see you being adventurous and brave and taking on new things/meeting new friends is such a blessing. I’m so happy for you. Good job! (Im not meaning for it to sound so condescending, I really am proud of you). You’re even speaking other languages! Woah 🙂
In your email, you asked how I was and you asked if things were “going well with the bf”. I cant imagine how much it must have cost you to ask that about Alun. I cant remember it right now, but I really hope my reply was considerate and brief. I wanted to ask about your girlfriend…or girlfriends (?) but thought I’d let you tell me when you’re ready.
So Jon…here’s the HONEST answer to your questions:
In answer to how I am…I”m OK.
It’s going to be 2 years this August that we’ve been ‘unmarried’ and it doesn’t hurt any less than it did 2 years ago. Sometimes – in the very rare moments when I’m alone and resting – it still catches me – the grief of it all. I guess it’s gonna take more time than we both anticipated. I hurt over you, Jonathan. You’re like a permanent scar on my heart.
Im taking on too much at work (grr) and trying to juggle full time Uni, time with my family, Alun and friends…and I’m a bit weary from it to be honest…but generally, I’m doing fine. I wanted you to know.
About Alun…I wanted to tell you that in another life you would have liked him so much. You two would have been really good friends. Alun’s so different from you, Jon…but a few things are the same. You’re both considerate of others, you both give generously, laugh often and love with all your hearts. I guess that’s where the similarity pretty much ends. Where you’d be inside planning for youth, Alun would be out on a Rugby Pitch. I dont think you enjoy the “pub atmosphere” and I dont think Alun would enjoy Church or youth group (although I have a secret suspicion he’d just embrace it and be enthusiastic and everyone would be charmed by him…but we wont dwell on that). I know that movies – making them and watching them – is such a passion of yours…Alun hates having to sit still and watch a movie and would rather be having a pint with his friends or involved in sports of some kind – or ideally, both. However, you both have a similar sense of “British humour” though I think if you’d met before any of ‘this’ had happened, you would have really enjoyed each other’s company.
Before I end, I wanted to tell you that so much of who I am today is because of who you helped me to become and I wanted to thank you for that. I know how to interview for jobs, how to work full time, how to interact better with teenagers (no matter if they’re from the UK or Australia, teens seem to have the same qualities), I know how to not give up, how to be strong and independent, but also how to ask for help. You taught me to trust. You taught me to have faith, to take chances and to love with abandon. These things will always stay with me and I’m so thankful I could learn them through you.
I really hope we can be friends. There have been some tough times in my life just lately and the person I wanted to seek advice from…was you. I have cheated and lost your trust, I accept that…but you haven’t lost mine and I still value your opinion so highly. I hope I can gain your trust back one day. I’m prepared to put in the work – you’re worth it.
We were excellent room mates for a very long time. The reason we got divorced is the reason I’m writing to you now…we’re friends, Jonathan. I think our friendship could survive anything.
Im so tired from today and from lack of sleep lately so I’ll sign off for now. I hope you’re having a great day. I hope you’re smiling, well, happy, at peace in all that crazy Church chaos and I hope everything in your life is in balance.
Lastly, if you can, pleeeeaaase try to eat more – you look so gaunt in your photos 🙂 (you can choose to ignore that, but I felt it had to be said and I say it in love and good faith – as any friend would). Make sure in all your travelling, work and general life that you make time to rest and relax, ok?
Anyway…I guess I’ll talk with you again soon.
Im looking forward fondly to your next email,