My ladypains will arrive any day now.
And with it, my imminent death.
I know – I know. “So dramatic, Janet”.
But I know it deep in my bones. I will die this week.
In the last 7-10 years, my lady pains have revealed themselves through ABSOLUTE RAGE. Rage that is all-consuming and so big, powerful, dark and frightening that I am terrified of what I’ll say or do. Once a month – all hell breaks loose – and I’m blindly following myself around, shaking my head at the absolute carnage I’m capable of. Open-mouthed at my own capacity for rage and anger that it floors me. I can’t imagine how awful this is for Alun to see.
Lady pains were responsible for me breaking up with Alun 3 times.
They were responsible for losing my sh*t and telling Alun’s parents to FUCK OFF.
They were responsible for me breaking a lot of things in the house (sorry).
And lately – they are responsible – or I am – or both (?) – for making me a lot worse than I was to begin with. They drive me down, down, down. The RAGE is like an out of control fire within me – it burns me – and ANIHILATES anyone who tries to touch me – to help me. That’s why I keep a distance – to keep you safe. I promise. I’m doing the best I can to save you from this fire.
The intense, powerful dark emotions, ideas and urges lady pains bring with them overwhelm me like 100 foot waves. What I go through once a month is nearly impossible to manage and recover from on a GOOD day…so I’m convinced…this week when they arrive, I will die.
I’m terrified because I don’t know what form it will take. I just know it will happen.
SoI don’t sleep because I’m so scared.
I cry – non stop – because I’m so deeply grieved that I hate myself so much that I will secretly – even unbeknownst to myself – get rid of myself.
You have no idea how it feels to be like this. This is straight up TERRIFYING.
Not sleeping hasn’t helped as my already bent mind is now REALLY off kilter.
I am so close to breaking, you guys – so close to losing it – for good – and THIS IS SO SCARY.
I’m doing what I can to fight this.
I told Alun about it. I told him I’m scared I’ll kill myself this week.
I’ve written goodbye letters to you all in my diary.
I’ve donated 80% of everything I own to Charity shops.
I swing constantly – every other second between wanting to fight JUST ONE MORE TIME to stay alive and thinking “fuck it” and just letting go.
These lady pains WILL kill me.
I’ve made an emergency Doctor’s appointment for tomorrow morning.
I don’t even know what I’ll say “Help me – I think I’m going to secretly kill myself? I’m so wired from not sleeping, crying all the time, stressing, suffering, grieving and feeling like I’m crawling through hell on my hands and knees that I’m completely losing my mind and I don’t know how you can even begin to help me?!”
I think the most that can happen is I get hospitalised.
I don’t want to go.
I don’t want to stay.
OMG I want to sleep!!! For more than 20 minutes at a time!!!
I want to live. Only really because I’ll miss Alun and I’ll miss you. How will I not talk to you every day? To Alun?
I want to DIE. I honestly hate myself SO MUCH that death seems like a good punishment for being the absolute fraud I am. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” but it IS NOT TEMPORARY. I know. I’ve had it for YEARS.
I want to just stop – even for a second.
I’m scared, you guys. I’m really, really scared.