just breathe, Janet…just breathe

“Purging” my heart and all my fears last night wasnt as healthy and empowering as I thought it would be.

I actually couldnt sleep thinking “oh my God…people I love and think dearly of have read my fears, my demands upon myself and my b*tchy rantings and ravings.

But it’s out there now, isn’t it?

(*whispers* I might still delete yesterday’s post…I’ll file it mentally under “too much information”)

Again, I had another good day. I worked for 4 hours as the Government “tea lady” this morning. Although it has it’s cons (I basically circle 3 kitchens on 2 different floor levels and just do the dishes every time someone has left them as well as re-fill coffee, tea and hot chocolate canisters on every visit which is lonely and sometimes awkward), it has it’s pros – I get to greet some really happy/nice staff members, Donna – my manager in this placement – is really lovely and leaves me home made cookies on the mornings when I come into work and although it’s a lonely job – it’s also really peaceful and gives me time to think.

I finished at lunchtime, stopped at a nice Chinese restaurant and ordered 2 “Singapore Noodles” for takeaway. Mom met me at her apartment entrance 30 minutes later and we sat across from each other in Mom’s kitchen talking (Mom mostly), laughing (me mostly) and having lunch together – just us girls. It was really nice.

Then this evening, I got to hang out with one of my favourite friends, “G”. I love G and any time in his presence is a good thing.

But I’m home now and feeling really stressed.

I’ve just spoken to Evan from *UK courier/removal company because our 19th (!!!) emails to each other were just getting more and more confusing. I thought calling would help but it just frustrated us both. Evan wanted to know how many boxes, how big they were and how much they weigh. Joan mentioned my boxes were ‘damaged by the damp’ (what does that even mean? I don’t understand) in her email and this alarmed both Evan and I. “We’ll have to see what sort of condition they’re in when we collect them – this will increase the price of the quote considerably as we will now need to charge for collection, unpacking, sorting, repacking and then shipping…the minimum charge for this extra work will be at least 150 pounds – probably more – as we have to charge for the time and labour this will require”

I had to collect my jaw from the floor. Oh Lord. I’m already paying 400 pounds on the initial quote Evan sent across…I can’t afford all this ‘extra’ cost.

So I went on with the conversation…in a panic.

I got a sticky idea in my head: What if, instead of unpacking, sorting and re-packing – the Couriers can collect my boxes – then put them inside 2 or 3 of their HUGE, sturdy boxes (Evan thought I was in the UK and sent across brochures of boxes to assist in my packing – that’s how I know they supply boxes (at a price) and what size their boxes are). Their “Tea Carton” boxes can fit 2-3 of my boxes in them.

So instead of charging me for 11 boxes…Evan can just charge me for 3 or 4 big ones…(in my head, I was imagining less money leaving my already depleted bank account – winning)

“Uh Janet – can I just interrupt you there” I heard Evan sigh “You will still need to pay for repacking as even if we go with your new plan, we still need to ask a courier to collect your boxes, bring them back to our warehouse, construct our own tea cartons and put your boxes inside them…the price will only go down by about 100 pounds…”

I didn’t hear anything else. I just imagined $250 (ish?) less dollars leaving my bank account

Evan (who is based in London) patiently explained that a courier (based in Manchester) would collect my boxes, bring them back to the warehouse, examine the state of them, report back to Evan at the main office – and that Evan would email me with a new total quote for everything once done. He asked where the boxes had been stored all these years.

“In a metal container – the size of a car shed” I told him, trying to picture the old Church container in my head and only coming up with a fuzzy shape

“We might see them and find they’re okay as they are. Your ex-mother in law’s version of ‘damp’ might be different to ours…or we might see them and agree that the cardboard has been badly damaged and is unfit for transportation…we can only tell once we collect them from the address you’ve given us and given them a good looking over”

“But how much will it cost?” I asked, again.

I heard myself asking. In my head, I was shouting “He’s just explained to you, you idiot! LISTEN! The important thing is,they are getting collected from Church which is the crucial basis of what you want to achieve here”

Evan sighed, his exasperated voice repeated the details “we cant tell you how much it will all cost until we see the boxes. You’ve sent your payment details and we wont charge you anything more than 50 pounds for just collecting and removing your boxes. Nothing further until we analyse your boxes and can work on a plan forward for them”

“But how much will that all cost in the end?” I heard myself asking, again.

Tiny Janet threw her hands up in the air in exasperation and stormed out.

Stop it, JD. Stop it.

“Look, I’ve already said” Evan’s voice was nearing anger.

I was on the couch at home, nearing hysteria.

“Basically” Evan repeated curtly “if you’re still okay to go ahead, we’ll just go and get your boxes. I will call you in a week with a new quote. Goodbye”

and he promptly hung up.

Poor guy 😦

This is what was going on in my head – what is still going on as I type this blog to you right now:

omgomgomg how am I going to pay for this AND my studies (my books are expensive for these units and I’ve still not bought them but I’m running out of sites that will let me download chapters for free) AND my wedding AND my holiday (spending money) to Bali? Omg…I need to get another job. I can fit that in as well as catch up in Uni, right? OMG…I cant go to Bali at the weight I’m at – I need to lose weight. Right. I need to fit in an eating and excersize plan. How do I afford fresh vegetables and fruit (they’re REALLY expensive here)? I’m going to be broke. I’m going to be broke and fat…and uneducated.

How much are my boxes going to cost to ship?


What if I ask Evan to collect them and then just dispose of them. Yep – just throw them into the nearest skip for me instead of shipping them?

How much less will that cost than shipping boxes to Australia?

Because all I need is to get them moved from Church, right? I dont need all those things – I cant even remember what’s in the boxes.

And there’s no way I have room for all that stuff in the tiny house Al and I live in!

Wait. How much will it cost to get them disposed of?

Omg I’m failing Uni. I’m really failing.

And I dont have a job. I only earn $200.00 a week. It’s not even enough to pay the rent. My savings are all going – $2300.00 for the Christmas Bali trip, $2000.00 for my half of Al’s visa and God knows how much to these ship boxes…I’ve not even thought about spending money for Bali…or saved a CENT towards the wedding.

I’m getting married in May and I don’t even have a dress yet.


God, I’m so tired.

I’m so very, very tired.

I cant even breathe right now.

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