"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

It’s like you blink and you miss it…12 years of your life.

I swear, I was turning 32 years old and thinking half my life was over. Haha. I was in the prime of my life, actually. I’d lost weight and was getting divorced and moving back to Australia after 7 years away in Liverpool.

I blinked…

Now it’s the eve of my 44th birthday!!! FORTY FORTH!!! What the actual f*ck guys?!? How???

And I’m absolutely miserable.

I weigh the most I ever have in my life. Alun hates the extra weight almost as much as I do. He shrinks away from me if I try to kiss him and it hurts me. I’m out of breath all the time and my body aches.

I’m writing this to you with a big bruise on my knuckle because I caught it on the edge of a drawer when I was putting clean underwear away. It bruised immediately and oh my God, it hurt!

What is my life?

I don’t want to be older. I don’t want to be 44.

Make it stop, God. Please make time stop.