"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

When a couple breaks up and for example – the girl moves on but the guy doesn’t, he might use the famous line “I just need closure” to explain why he still calls and texts her, even though they’re over.

That is BS.

I know, because when MJ broke up with me in our early 20’s, I really struggled with letting him go. I loved him so much and that love had become obsession so when he left me, I wasn’t just hurt, I was psycho. I kept calling him. I became “that girl” – the crazy one muttering to herself, stalking the guy, doing everything she can to get his attention.

To explain my appalling behaviour (I’m cringing as I admit this to you), I told my friends that I “just needed closure”

No I didn’t.

I wanted him BACK.

When M dumped me, that was all the closure I should have needed right there. There’s nothing confusing or “unfinished” when the boy you love breaks up with you, so “needing closure” is a BS excuse for – in my case anyway – terrible behaviour.

What I wanted to write about was that 11 years later, M and I met up again. I was still a giddy teenager emotionally; love struck over this one boy. I lost my virginity to him and while we were having sex, I was planning our wedding and naming our future kids. He wasn’t.

We had sex for 3 straight days (it was MENTAL) and every time, a peice of my heart was being chipped off. I was giving more of myself to this guy I was crazy about and he felt that because he started emotionally pulling away from me.

After one particularly wild session, M looked me right in the eyes and said in a firm voice “no more love stuff, Janet. We’re just having sex”. He’d caught me “catching feelings” and was putting a stop to it. I was really hurt by that but I was so far in, I couldn’t let go. We had sex again, but M wouldn’t kiss me.

I’d watched and LOVED “Pretty Woman” on repeat in my teens with my best friend Robyn back in the day. I thought it was sooo romantic. The scene where Julia Roberts won’t kiss Richard Gere suddenly flashed back in my memory as M pulled away from me in bed. He was happy to have sex with me, but he wouldn’t kiss me.

I didn’t realise how much that would break me until it happened. To him, I was suddenly a sexy body but not a potential girlfriend because that involves love.

Kissing is so much more intimate than having sex and when M cut me off from the deep connection that only kissing brings…that was the beginning of me finally realising this guy I worshipped was not the one meant for me.

The one meant for you will kiss you. My husband kisses me. He rubs my feet after a long day. He runs a bath for me and puts candles in the bathroom as a response to me texting him “I think depression is back”. Alun holds me close – for hours sometimes. My head on his chest and his steady heart beat soothing my frayed nerves. He holds my hand when we’re in loud, noisy environments and he does that amazing kiss on my forehead thing when we’re talking and facing each other that makes me feel like I’ve won the lottery.

Sex isn’t love.

It’s the little, almost unexplainable exchanges between a couple where love truly resides. It’s the nurturing, the caring, gentle touches – a stroke of the back, a gentle rub on your thigh, warm lasting hugs, playful tickles, encouraging hand squeeze under the table, winks…and kissing…that’s how you know a guy loves you.

Don’t settle for anything less.