It doesn’t call ahead. It doesn’t ask “hey, is this a good time?” it just visits when it damn well pleases and that is really hard to deal with. Today it caught me mid-step. I was walking from a café to a bakery (hey, I love donuts, ok?) and between my 7th and 8th step, depression landed.
With it came some type of post-traumatic stress thing because my mind decided to replay in stunning clarity and vivid colour all the times I’ve been stressed or unhappy in the past. I felt as if I was beside Alun’s hospital bed that time he almost died again. I felt as if I was getting shouted at my parents again. I felt as if I could feel the warmth on the NT sun on my skin as I was being teased in the playground. I felt as if I was still in the claustrophobic reception area in that one job where the entire Facilities team bullied me mercilessly.
I was suddenly right there – in that awful, dark space where you feel like you’re falling off a cliff and you don’t know what to do.
It hit me that at the moment I’m unemployed. It’s only been a day (haha) but it feels like it’s been longer and I’m already starting to panic about being a financial burden on Alun.
Calm down, JD. It’s been a day.
Tomorrow is Australia day so a lot of businesses will be closed and it will be a good time to rest, make sure my CV is looking amazing and apply for as many Admin jobs as I can.
I’m going to be okay. This depression is not going to beat me.