"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

So there I was, sitting across from my new psychologist, talking about my struggle between absolutely hating myself on the one hand and thinking I’m pretty damn close to perfection on the other hand. It’s a hard line to walk when I’m my worst enemy and my biggest advocate at the same time. All day. Erry damn day.

My psych was encouraging me and was saying there is a balance between being a kind, gentle person and also being a badass. As a joke, he pointed to the pens in a container on the little table between us. “You could decide to be badass and just take all my pens, but if you had a good reason about it and total conviction, you’d probably get away with it”.

So many questions.

Why do you have pens on your desk but no paper?

Why are you encouraging me to take pens? Do you know something I don’t about an upcoming pen shortage I’m going to have to deal with?

How is taking pens “badass” and not just mildly concerning?

I think if I leant over and took his pens, my psych would certainly have something to say about it and I would probably not get away with it. No sir.

My struggle today is with my heightened anxiety. Anxiety has convinced me that everyone is against me. Everyone hates me and I’m all alone in this world. This was not helped by the fact that I’m being more and more left out on the Admin team at work. There are 4 of us and 3 of them have been very close for the last 4 years. Enter me – new girl. I’m awkward and weird and instead of being normal and cautious, I’ve been oversharing and talking non stop in an effort to be “one of the girls” which has not gone well. They’ve all given each other that “this girl is weird” look and I’ve caught it and it’s hurt my heart. I used to get that look a lot in Primary school. You know the one – that raised eyebrow look you give to your friends when a sleazy guy is trying to hit on you…that look?

I don’t think I deserve it but I don’t know how to handle it.

Again, the opposing ideas in my head of “burn the building down” or “just lay low, stop talking and save your stories and heart for your own tribe, JD”

Decisions, decisions.