"I get knocked down, but I get up again"

I’m a lover, not a fighter…so when it comes to sticking up for myself when battling against bullies, I’ve lost every. single. time.

Here’s why I think I keep losing:

I don’t get better artillery. I am literally going into gun fights with a plastic knife. Artillery in this case is information on WTF is going on. I don’t know. I don’t understand the ebb and flow of office politics, I don’t know how to be cold and calculating, I don’t know how to put ambition and selfishness before my desire to be a kind person and a good friend. So…plastic knife every time.

I can’t remember for the life of me. I seriously can’t. So when a boss will bollock me over something she’s “heard from others” that apparently happened on a certain day at a certain time – I can’t remember if it’s true or not so I don’t defend myself. I don’t say “Actually I was away on leave that day so these allegations are bullshit”, I’m too busy apologising. I’m panicking, anxious and scared so instead of sticking up for myself, I let it all happen. When co-workers throw me under the bus, I let them pick me up and do it.

I don’t mentally or physically record anything. When I go into a meeting and all fingers are pointed at me “she did it”, I don’t have any fingers to point back. I’m so frightened by the force of the accusations coming at me that I just take the gunfire and hope recovery won’t be too bad so I can get up the next morning and come back into the office. I don’t have the wisdom to record things so that when I get accused of doing things wrong, I can flick back to my notes and stand up for myself “Actually, I sent those parcels successfully/I answered the most calls that day in the team/I went over and above for that client, I have the details right here”. I need to write things down!

I’m a gentle, quiet person who values integrity, kindness and friendship above all so when it comes to the war zone that is almost every office I’ve worked in, I am lost every time. Everyone is packing. They have the best weapons and are sharpening tools, ‘gathering intel’ and preparing for war by collecting secrets, gossip, information, keeping a record of all their successes and awards so that if anyone does come against them, they have loads of shiny things to point at “But I did all of this for the company – how dare you?” and they get an apology. A raise. A promotion.

I keep getting bollocked.

I have to change something here, guys. I can’t go on like this.